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30th July 2019
04:39pm BST
The real winner of Love Island 2019 was Ellie Belly, do not @ me. So weak was the overall level of banter this year, we turned to a stuffed green elephant with purple ears to bring us any semblance of interesting content. Some of the best moments involved Ellie Belly, such as the time she fell out of Tommy and Molly-Mae's pre-marital bed due to the ructions that were taking place at the time. Whether it was her intentional or not, Ellie Belly made this series what it was. We owe her a great deal of gratitude and perhaps a small portion of the £50,000 prize money. Look at her goofy little face. Look at that dickie bow. How did the best person in the Love Island villa not find love? Simply, it wasn't her path. In truth, Ellie Belly's love was the friends she made along the way :)
2. It transpires that Tommy Fury dances like a taxidermy cat
As is the annual tradition on Love Island, the final day saw our islanders having some dancing lessons and basically spending the entirety of the day getting ready for the finale. Thomas 'Tommy' Fury was inevitably chronic at dancing. Like, comically bad. His body moves in the same way as a Tetris block, keeping its form at all times, but shifting from place to place as required. His hips, in comparison with Curtis', are like wisdom teeth in the sense that they are there, but will not do as they're supposed to, causing a great deal of discomfort for all involved until their dying days. Tommy ended up looking like that iconic taxidermy cat meme pictured above. Spot the difference, if you can. Spoiler: You cannot.
3. Curtis' first draft of his speech was rough, but admittedly very concise
The boys all huddled together in the bedroom on their respective beds and got to work on their evening speeches. In what seemed like a clerical error, they were given clipboards and set to work on putting into words their feelings for their significant others. Curtis at one point bragged that he had already written an entire page about Maura's eyes, which was a complete lie because they're not that remarkable. They're eyes, they see things, move on. It's likely that Curtis needed a few rough drafts before he landed on his final effort, perhaps even writing Amy's name by mistake. Regardless, The Lovely Young Lady Identifier persevered. Based on his attitude towards the task, Curtis absolutely asked for extra paper during exams just to fuck with everyone sitting near him.
4. The contestants' speeches were miraculously typed up when it came to the evening's events
Remember before how we saw the gang doing handwritten declarations of love? Remember that? Well now I am about to blow your fragile little mind, because those handwritten notes turned into typed words, PARAGRAPHED, with 1.5 spacing and what appears to be a size 14 font. So now we move onto the next question, which is why. Why was this done? Probably so things looked neater for the highly-produced show. But now we must ask whom. Whom had to physically type out those soppy little love letters? Probably a member of the production team, begrudgingly, while they felt envious towards the other team members who got to do fun things like source a dickie bow small enough to fit around Ellie Belly's little neck. Still, job's a job.
5. Greg heroically rhymed 'sass' with 'ass' and instantly won the Nobel Prize for literature
Professional rugby player, law graduate and poet. Greg O'Shea played a blinder on Love Island 2019, capping off his time in the villa with a particularly touching piece of poetry dedicated to his love, Amber. The wordsmith doted on his muse, "The perfect balance of honesty and sass, and of course we can't forget about your gorgeous ass", and with that, the Nobel Prize committee instantly awarded him with a special recognition for literature. It was a fitting conclusion to his journey on the show, where he remained a perfect gentleman to Amber, giving her the space to heal and grow after a turbulent time with Michael. She wore a shamrock necklace gifted to her by Greg's mother, a symbol of his Irish heritage, as she heard the word 'ass' being rhymed with 'sass', just like a beautiful fairytale. Love is real.
6. Amber got pranked so hard by her envelope!!!
WHAAAT? Is that the dancing hotdog from Snapchat? The admittedly very hilarious filter from two years ago? You're kidding me? Those absolute pranksters. Amber got pranked so hard. The unnecessary envelope reveal at the end of each Love Island series took place last night, which saw Amber getting the £0 card, meaning all of the power rested in Greg's hands. He could take the full £50k for himself, jetting off into the sunset as a villain and criminal mastermind. But sadly, love won. Greg obviously agreed to split the money with Amber after knowing her for two weeks. Truly, they need to scrap that portion of the show. It makes no sense. Just give them both an envelope with a two-year-old meme in it instead. Trust me, it would be fire. Thank you Love Island for a sufficient series. Rest in peace.
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