To celebrate the release of new Irish psychological horror film Citadel, JOE has drafted up the perfect Irish man’s guide to surviving those little, creepy bastard kids who pop up in horror films with the sole intention of making you order 8 packets of new, clean underwear from your local Penny’s.
These days, when you go to see a horror film at the cinema, it’s more than likely that zombies or sparkly vampires are the cause of all things scary.
Failing that though, it’s the kids.
Kids. They’re terrifying. All of the time.
You’re telling us you’ve never walked past a group of 7 year old kids and not been completely poo-your-pants scared of them? Of course you have you liar.
When you find yourself in the middle of a horror film scenario though, use this quick and easy guide to help you:
No.1 – Bring your mammy. We don’t really need to explain this one do we?
There’s only one thing a creepy horror kid from a film is scared of and that’s your Irish mammy. That’s a well-known fact (that we just made up there now).
Your mam will obviously know what to do and, at the end of a creepy child-killin’, zombie-decapitating, vampire-stalking hard day, she’ll make you the perfect cup of tea and let you stay up until 7pm (at least) to watch Home and Away AND Neighbours. Result.
Typical Irish mammy
However, if your mammy’s got other things to do though then you’re on your own.
No. 2 – Don’t let the kid watch TV.
They’re not watching Peppa Pig or Glenroe reruns or Red Shoe Diaries or whatever it is kids watch these days. They’re talking to paranormal beings from another dimension through the static on the TV like Carol Anne in Poltergeist.
How could you not know that?
No. 3 – Never give the kids a packet of crayons and some blank pages to scribble on.
They’ll only draw bad things like your horrific, impending doom on the sheet, pictures of their ‘mystery friend’ that only they can see or write things like “I Heart Satan” on the footpath. Like this one, look:
Godamn creative creepy kid
No. 4 Don’t call your child Damien. Why would you do that? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? That’s what the silly parents in The Omen did and things didn’t really work out that well for them.
Call them good strong Irish names like Donnacha or Dearbhaile. Not Damien.
Somebody’s darling child (but also spawn of Satan)
No. 5 Don’t give the kid a music box or teach them how to sing freaky-deaky little tunes. The next time you hear that tune, you’ll be in your house, upstairs and alone in the dark and essentially you’re a goner. It’ll be the last thing you ever try to hum along to.
Give them a tin whistle and teach them how to play The Wild Rover. Then you’ll be fine and the kid will be a tin whistlin’ legend.
No. 6 Don’t let them live in a well. Or grow their hair down over their face. Or wear dirty, once-white night-gowns. Like the spine-chilling Samara in The Ring:
Plus, social services might have something to say if you kept the kid down the well in the first place.
No. 7 Don’t let the children eat corn.
It’s been years since we’ve seen Children of the Corn but we’re pretty sure it’s got something to do with strange children eating too much corn with their evening meals and having bad and smelly wind problems after eating.
In fact, make sure they don’t eat Quorn either. These modern little terrifying tykes are more than likely very health conscious.
Terrifying Quorn
No. 8 And for God’s sake, make sure that the chilling little creepazoid doesn’t have a twin. As if one wasn’t bad enough, twins are twice the terror. Yes, we’re all thinking of the Grady twins from Stanley Kubrick’s Overlook Hotel in The Shining.
We’ll play with you for a wee while but not for ever and ever and ever you eerie little pricks.
Well, you’ve been warned about the pesky kids with their murderous, terrifying ways so if you don’t listen to us then you’re on your own.
One last piece of advice – if none of the above works, just ply the little fecker with 18 packets of Tayto and gallons of Football Special. That should have them bouncing off the walls for just long enough to let you make you a speedy getaway.
You’re welcome.
Citadel is released in Irish cinemas on June 14 so we’ll all have the opportunity to experience this great looking Irish horror… from somewhere safe behind our box of popcorn.
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