Is there anything to be said for another mass?
Christmas is coming, which means that most people will be busy buying presents for their loved ones and preparing to give thanks to the man who we all worship at this time of year,
Santa Jesus Christ.
Even if you're like Fr. Jack and don't even believe in God, Christmas mass is an institution for Irish people, but we've always wanted to see what it would be like if some of our favourite Fr Ted priests had to deliver the sermon.
We already brought you some of
our favourite priests from 30-21 so here are the next few lads...
20) Father Benny Cake
The choir in our local mass can be a bit tone deaf so we've opted for a priest who released a song that proved to be quite popular although the name of the track escapes us... something about Vienna.
There are unconfirmed rumours that
Midge Ure Fr. Cake was also one half of the Live Aid thing that Bob Geldof lost all of his money in, according to those drunken lads at The Lovely Girls Competition.
Maybe he can rope in his old pal Father Brian Eno for a duet?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQ00zZbfxd4
19) Father Tiernan, Father Rafter, Father Cafferty and Father Leonard
Continuing the musical theme, who doesn't want to see Christmas day mass performed via synthesisers and DJ desks in the the style of four Kraftwerk-esque priests shrouded in doom and mystery?
They don't even have to say a word because the sheer WTF reaction from the people next to us would be priceless.
18) Father Buzz Cagney
Mass can get a bit boring at times so we think that he could bring some Hollywood glamour to the sacraments.
Our favourite American priest does have an annoying habit of momentarily vanishing, however and he probably doesn't need the money; after all he wipes his ass with £500.
His parish St John's made over $2 million last year which is a lot of sherry and steak dinners so it's going to be hard to prise him away, especially since all those girls at the pool are probably now in their 20s.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ctl8NriEXtw
17) Fr Todd Unctious
We know that this is a controversial choice, but there was a time when Westmeath's most famous priest was a highly respected man of the cloth.
Once upon a time he was a completely average, bog-standard, run-of-the-mill priest. Then he won the Westmeath Priest of the Year Competition and it went to his head.
He started hitting the altar wine too much, going easy on people in confession and getting backhanders for doing quicker masses. Soon enough, he was stealing priests' uniforms and walking around in his underwear showing off his scar.
That image may haunt the dreams of Fr. Ted, us and anyone in attendance at Christmas day mass so he doesn't make the top 10, plus he's probably behind bars now.
16) Father Jose Fernandez
The Cuban lad, nice fellow. He gave us a VCR. The sheer sight of seeing a priest drive up to church in a red convertible Porsche 930 with a few gorgeous women perched on his arms definitely intrigues us.
We think that he might get a bit 'distracted' by some of the female parishioners though, especially if that fertility statue is anything to go by.
We really hope that he ends his sermon with the words, Adios Ted!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_3PGO4UjFI
15) Father Romeo Sensini
Latin mass is still available in some parishes around Ireland so who else is better equipped to say the sacraments than a priest who only drinks the finest wines, can climb two flights of stairs unassisted and needs only one nun to help him get out of a chair?
Giovanni Trapattoni's long lost twin could also tell the crowd a few stories about his glory days whilst playing international football for the Vatican.
We reckon that he's too cool for school when it comes to wearing the old-fashioned priest garments so expect to see him rocking an Armani suit, sunglasses and slicked back hair on Christmas morning.
14) Father Billy O'Dwyer
Degenerate, gambler, DJ... priest.
We don't just want to see The Spin Master perform mass, we also want to go out drinking with him on St. Stephen's Day. This lad probably has some tales of debauchery that would make Charlie Sheen's escapades in Las Vegas look like a quiet night in St Clabbert's.
We won't ask him to bring the records but he would be great craic at the race. "2000 bets Ted, I can HANDLE it!"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9oRWKeKzC8
13) Father Dick Byrne
According to Fr. Ted, his arch nemesis isn't up to much because, "as priests go... he's a really bad priest".
While it's hard to see eye-to-eye with Rugged Island's most famous member of the clergy we're very interested in hearing his story about that time he had to say "bollocks" very loudly in front of President Robinson.
Plus, he might just do this in front of any kids whose toys make lots of noise during Christmas day mass.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SphqcYTnEcA
12) Our ecclesiastical Dream Team
We're breaking from tradition here because we've lined up a holy trinity of priests.
We've gone for the Donegal Priest to be responsible for getting bodies into the church because we hope to channel the levels of commitment from the African church in bringing the faith to the people of our parish.
But he wouldn't know how to do this because he's from Donegal.
We're big fans of Father Alden Crosby also because he gives a gooooood mass and has exceptional chalice work. He really knows how to work the altar but he'll have to share the stage with Fr. Clippet, who does a really good long Mass. Three hours on a good night. Since his stroke.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nC7s17K2uMY
11) Father Damo Lennon
We really want to listen to Fr. Damo for hours on end because he will probably discusses the merits of Blur vs Oasis.
The sad truth is that Damo couldn't be arsed actually showing up for mass because he has more important things to do like playing football or Street Fighter.
If Frosty couldn't even get him to come back for his tea or stop him from smoking/stealing whistles then what hope do we have? It's only a bleeeeeding whistle sure.
We have to face facts, Damo is a born maverick priest who plays by his own rules. He doesn't even want any stuuuuuuupid tea.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0hhWqkq2bc0
