Festivals are some of the filthiest, most disgusting places on earth but yet we love them more than most parents love their middle child.
When you place thousands of party hungry people in a field with nothing but alcohol, music and their own raging hormones for company, things are always going to get a little smelly and chaotic.
But here at JOE, we’ve established that we could make everyone’s festival experience that little bit better if we could just change a couple of things.
Fast moving lines to hurry things along
There’s nothing worse than growing old while waiting in the queue to get a pint or even a dodgy burger and curry chips that will probably leave you squatting over a hole in the ground for half the night.
We need some express queues where we can scurry along and grab our pint without taking 17 hours and 36 minutes and missing all of our favourite Taylor Swift tracks.
We need some free deodorant being handed out
We realise it’s impossible to keep your hygiene at an acceptable standard while at a festival but at least try to make some kind of effort to stop people’s eyes watering after they get a whiff of you.
To help prevent this, we need some kind of deodorant superhero roaming the campsite using his powers for the good of everyone in the camp. We could call him The Free Deodorant Man*.
*It’s a working title.
We need there to be central heated/air conditioned tents
Is it too much to ask for? In Ireland, a July or August festival by no means guarantees that you won’t be freezing the absolute bejaysus out of yourself.
Come on tent maker people out there, invent a tent that keeps us both warm and cool depending on how we’re feeling. It’s not that difficult…
Gourmet food at a price someone can actually afford
You shouldn’t have to promise your first born child to Satan in order to get a decent meal. We at least want a bacon and cabbage dinner sided with at least 4 Brussels sprouts (we know they’re icky but they’re good for you, they make you grow apparently).
Would it be possible to arrange this for under a tenner, and if not, there had better be an option to bring your Mammy with you to cook your meals for the weekend.
The bands you like should get more time on stage
Ok this one may be slightly unrealistic but how frustrating is it when the artist you came to see isn’t well enough known to be allowed play over 40 minutes.
Then you go to the closing band/ rapper of the weekend and you’re pretty certain their whole setlist is just blaring different breeds of barking dogs through their speakers.
Nobody should be either heavier or stronger than you in the mosh pit
You want to be the alpha male, you’ve got a year’s membership at your local gym that you’ve used a total of four and a half times and you’re pretty sure you’re the strongest person that has ever, or will ever live.
You decide to show off your alpha-maleism (that may or may not be a real word) in the mosh pit but things don’t work out the way you hoped it would.
Tall people should either be banned or segregated
We have a theory that everyone over six foot should be made stand on the left side of the stage and everyone else should make their way to the right hand side.
When you think about, you’re basically granting the vertically challenged people the gift of sight… kind of.
There should be quiet zones after 4am
We’ve all been there, the sun has risen, a new day has dawned but the group in the tent next to you are raving away with jungle music blaring at full blast.
You know there’s no point complaining, the only thing it will get you is a slurred apology (if even that( followed by absolutely no change in the music volume. A designated quiet zone in a campsite after a certain time would be an excellent idea.
Ticket prices would be significantly reduced
You shouldn’t have to remortgage your house, or sell lemonade in the street to be able to afford to go to the festival of your choice.
A reasonable price that is less than a small family car would be desirable, and would definitely influence our decision on whether or not to attend.
No singer/songwriters are allowed in the campsite
Anyone off stage who brandishes a guitar should have it confiscated and then be tarred and feathered… well, that may be a bit extreme but they still shouldn’t be allowed to annoy you with their inability to either sing in tune or successfully play the guitar.
Leave the music to the people on stage, they’re the ones people paid to see.
So those are our ways of improving festivals and just as soon as we’re given some power to change the world, they will be the first thing on our list… after figuring out how aeroplanes stay up of course.
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LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
