15/05 The Front Pages

For once, the front pages of the broadsheets aren’t all singing in unison, with a range of stories making the headlines.

The Irish Independent leads with the story that Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny is putting pressure on An Taoiseach Brian Cowen to hold three by-elections which could see Fianna Fail further loosen their grip on power. Kenny says he’ll force a vote on the issue of the Waterford by-election in the Dail next month.

He told the Indo: “You have three pending by-elections and the government has no intention of holding any of them. If Mr Cowen has courage to defend Martin Cullen’s seat, it was a Fianna Fail seat, let them do it.” Steady on Enda – such fighting talk will give people the impression you’ve got a personality.

The main picture on the Indo has Cowen in one of the dressing rooms at the new Aviva Stadium. The government’s top man is seen getting in touch with his inner young fella as he jumps up with his fists in the air as if he’s just scored a late winner at a crucial World Cup qualifier.

The Irish Times has an aerial shot of the majestic Aviva stadium which is ready for business three years after demolition of the old Lansdowne Road stadium began. The main story on The Times states that  former Taoiseach Bertie ‘currently available for private functions and other speaking engagements if you’ve got the cash’ Ahern accepts that he played a role in our current economic crisis. Really? You mean the man in charge of the country’s economy when the country’s economy started to go tits up was in some way involved? No shit, Sherlock.

Anyway, he says that he now believes that property-based tax incentives should have been abolished earlier than they were.

The Examiner goes local with a story about a fatal car crash on the northside of Cork city that left two teenagers dead. It says that Gardaí are continuing an investigation into whether there was a collision between the two cars involved before they ploughed into a gable wall and went down an embankment.

Also on the Examiner’s front page is the story that head shop owners are demanding compensation for loss of earnings relating to loss of stock after certain products were banned by the authorities. The head shops have grouped together to form the Alternative Traders Association and their spokesperson is Helen Stone. Ms Stone representing head shops... how apt.

The Mail carries the story ‘TAXMAN TO SNOOP ON YOUR PHONE RECORDS’. Not like The Mail to get all shouty and outraged and to write a scaremongering headline, is it? Oh wait, they always do that, don’t they. Our mistake.

According to The Mail, Revenue Commissioners will soon have the power to spy on the phone and web records of ‘millions of innocent citizens’ (including all the decent and upstanding Irish Daily Mail readers – there is no other type). Just in case this happens and any of the girlfriends and wives of those of us in the JOE office are reading this, ALL OF THE CALLS FROM OUR PHONES TO SEX LINES AND ALL OF THE WEB SEARCHES FOR PORN SITES WERE FOR RESEARCH PURPOSES ONLY. Just thought we should make that clear.