Sweet Cheesus in heaven! Have you heard the one about the Swiss cheese sex pervert in Philadelphia?
According to a not-so-grate story in The Metro, police in Philadelphia (the American city, not the delicious foodstuff) are currently on the hunt for a large man who has been driving around the city asking women to perform sexual acts on him… all while using a slice of Swiss cheese.
This could definitely brie one of the more bizarre stories we’ve reported on in a while, and it doesn’t look gouda for the demented dairy deviant in question as the police of Philadelphia are now on the look out for him, so Edam well better think twice before trying again.
One city resident, Gabby Chest, supposedly recognised the recently-reported incidents from encounters she’d had online in 2012 when she was contacted by a ‘strange’ man fitting the description of the Swiss cheese masturbator.
“He said he was looking for someone to perform masturbation on him with cheese,” she said. “He kept saying how strong his urges were and how desperate he was to find someone to help him with them.”
“He then went on to explain his fetish writing ‘I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complections [sic], girls are soft, smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more. That and typical advertising, always using a girl to advertise dairy products. So cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls.'”
What. A. Freak.
Rumours that the pest in question has only been targeting girls that look like Paris Stilton are, at this point, unconfirmed.
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