The RBS Six Nations is upon us again so here’s our multi-use bluffer’s guide to Ireland’s beloved opponents… with as many clichéd stereotypes thrown in as possible.
Wales
Beer: Brains Bitter
Food: Glamorgan Sausages
Music: Manic Street Preachers, Stereophonics
Famous Actors: Anthony Hopkins, Richard Burton
One New Player To Watch: Tom James from Cardiff Blues. A lightning quick beast of a man who has been a revelation at Cardiff on the wing.
Most Famous Win: In recent memory it has to be the win against England at Twickenham which ultimately condemned the hosts to an ignominious exit from the World Cup. Wales had so many injuries, but came back from the dead to win a thrilling contest.
Player We’d Love On Our Team: The Welsh have a lot of top quality players, but for unstinting accuracy from the boot we’d have to go for Leigh Halfpenny.
Handy phrase to have when meeting a Welsh fan: “Rwy’n hoffi i blannu mefus mewn meysydd awyr gan y môr, ond nid wyf yn hoffi halen ar fy wyneb.” This translates as ‘Hi’.
England
Beer: Newcastle Brown Ale
Food: Bangers and Mash
Music: Coldplay, Radiohead
Famous Actors: Michael Caine, Tom Hardy
One New Player To Watch: Paul Hill from Northampton. The big prop forward is only 20, but is expected to make his debut against Scotland this weekend.
Most Famous Win: No contest here. The 2003 Rugby World Cup final when a drop goal in extra-time won the Webb-Ellis trophy for England over Australia in Sydney.
Clip via ElliotJack1
Player We’d Love On Our Team: Mike Brown from Harlequins. Yes, we have Rob Kearney, but Mike Brown is probably England’s best player and would grace any side in world rugby.
Handy phrase to have when meeting a English fan: “How did that World Cup go for you? The one where you were hosts.” This translates as “Could I have a saucer of milk for one please?”
Scotland
Beer: McEwans Scotch Ale
Food: Haggis and tatties
Music: Primal Scream, Simple Minds
Famous Actors: Sean Connery, Ewan McGregor
One New Player To Watch: Zander Fagerson from the Glasgow Warriors is the only new cap in the Scottish Six Nations squad and at the tender age of 20, he’s definitely one to watch.
Most Famous Win: 1990 Grand Slam decider against England at Murrayfield. Both sides went into the game having won all their previous matches with England overwhelming favourites, but Scotland stood tall and defeated England 13-7.
Player We’d Love On Our Team: Richie Gray from Castres, but soon to be with Toulouse. The giant lock forward is one of the most recognisable players in world rugby with his flowing blonde locks and giant frame – think Paul O’Connell with a Dolly Parton wig.
Handy phrase to have when meeting a Scottish fan: “Och, eye-de-noo. Ah see you Jimmy and ah canny bring mahself ta thistle your haggis in the glens for aye is a tempestuous old fart.” This translates as “Excuse me sir, but can you tell me where the library is?”
France
Beer: Kronenbourg 1664
Food: Ratatouille, gratin dauphinois
Music: Air, Serge Gainsbourg
Famous Actors: Gérard Depardieu, Jean Reno
One New Player To Watch: Marvin O’Connor from Montpellier. The winger of Australian descent is a flyer and a smart player too. He’ll be one to watch in this Six Nations Championship.
Most Famous Win: 1999 World Cup semi-final against the All Blacks in Twickenham. The ABs were overwhelming favourites, but the French put on a brilliant display of attacking rugby and won 43-31 in one of the great World Cup matches.
Player We’d Love On Our Team: Louis Picamoles from Toulouse would be our pick. He was probably the only French player to emerge with any credit after the World Cup and is a brilliant number eight.
Handy phrase to have when meeting a French fan: “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?” This translates as “Your beret makes you look more cultured than me so where can I get one?”
Italy
Beer: Peroni
Food: Spaghetti, gelato
Music: Luciano Pavarotti
Famous Actors: Gian Maria Volontè, Sophia Loren
One New Player To Watch: Giulio Bisegni from Zebre already has two caps, but it’ll be interesting to see how he develops in this Six Nations playing at centre.
Most Famous Win: The 2011 Six Nations saw them beat France for the first time in the championship winning 22-21 in Rome.
Player We’d Love On Our Team: Without question it has to be Sergio Parisse who, despite his years, remains one of the most compelling forces in world rugby.
Handy phrase to have when meeting a Italian fan: “Smetterete di essere attraente per cinque minuti ? Vorremmo parlare alle ragazze troppo.” This translates as “Robert De Niro’s waiting, talking Italian.”
