The only league table that matters.
This season has been a bit topsy-turvy. At times, Leicester have looked like they might run away with the league, Jamie Vardy has been linked with Real Madrid and the champions Chelsea have strung together about two decent performances since September.
With the outcome of this year’s Premier League so unpredictable, we’re thinking about something that makes a little more sense to us – pints. Specifically, which Premier League managers we’d most like to go on the tear with.
We’ve ranked all 20 managers from best to worst. Do you agree with our league table?
Jürgen Klopp
Jurgen Klopp underlines ordinary man tag as he hits Liverpool for weekend pints http://t.co/C7CQxYJuQL #LFC pic.twitter.com/Io1uahQFYe
— SportsJOE (@SportsJOEdotie) October 11, 2015
Klopp has been known to have his players pull pints for their fans, so all you’d have to do is tell him you’re a Liverpool fan and you’ll have Daniel Sturridge hobbling around bringing you pints all night (or any Liverpool player besides Simon Mignolet, who keeps dropping them).
Klopp comes across as the kind of guy who can laugh at anything, although oftentimes he bursts into fits of hysterical laughter for reasons that aren’t actually apparent to anybody else in the room. You’d be guaranteed an unpredictable night with the jolly, giant German.
Claudio Ranieri
https://twitter.com/KealanBrady1/status/683657026073956352
We imagine that this would be a bit like going for pints with a wacky uncle who has a lot of fun stories about his past travels and offers to pay for your drinks. You’d keep expecting him to stop forking over the cash, but somehow the good times would just keep rolling in against all odds. Fingers crossed he’d bring Jamie Vardy to the club and the real party would begin.
Quique Sanchez Florés
https://twitter.com/CHIMMYXIV/status/683978302587981825
Going out on the lash with Quique would be a risk. On the one hand, the chances are that this guy is a veteran wingman. He’s actually handsome enough that girls would probably make the first move and approach your table. On the other hand, this means he’s also handsome enough that none of those girls would notice that you exist.
Slaven Bilic
Slaven Bilic is a certified party animal. The West Ham manager plays guitar in a rock band and is a huge fan of The Pogues, so not only would you want to go for a pint with him, you’d also want him in charge of the pre-drinks playlist. Bilic is fluent in several languages, holds a degree in law and is a staunch socialist – so you’re not likely to be short of intense conversation.
Ronald Koeman
Koeman is from near enough Amsterdam, so it’s a safe enough bet that he knows how to have a good time. He’s also got a jolly look about him, like the kind of guy that nobody wants to fight. Probably the perfect chap to take the pub for a few hours of good, clean fun where nobody gets in trouble.
Tony Pulis
Upon being asked “What was it like seeing Tony Pulis headbutt James Beattie naked?”, Stoke captain Ryan Shawcross replied “It was a spectacle.” While that is not only a phenomenal way to describe such a shocking incident, it also confirms that Tony Pulis goes around naked headbutting people – which is just the exact kind of spectacle you want to see on a night out (from a safe distance).
Eddie Howe
Eddie Howe is the fresh-faced golden boy of the Premier League. We get the feeling that if all the Premier League managers got together for a night out, they’d all buy him beer and make him do dares – and he’d oblige, because he wanted to impress everyone. That’s the kind of thing you need for pub entertainment, so Eddie Howe earns a place in the top half.
Steve McClaren
Half-a-pint of Grolsch and Schteve Van Claren would surely crack out his best Dutch accent. You’d probably be able to convince him that the ladies would love it, then watch him crash and burn as he approached women at the bar to invite them back to his windmill.
Alan Pardew
We’re not yet sure if Alan Pardew would be much fun on a night out, but there is absolutely no doubt that he thinks he’d be a top man to go drinking with. Pardew positively oozes self-belief in every single post-match interview. We’d expect a lot of tall tales about the time he had a double-threesome in Sweden with a selection of the countries finest lingerie models and other such lies that would unravel as the night wore on. Sort of like Jay from The Inbetweeners.
You’d have to keep him and Arsene Wenger apart, though…
Remi Garde
Well, he’s managing Villa, so we know that he’s got a sense of humour – and he seems to have as much of a distaste for Jack Grealish as we do. We’d probably get on.
Alex Neil
“Yeah mate, can you introduce us to Robbie Brady and Wes Hoolahan?”
Roberto Martinez
“Yeah mate, can you introduce us to Seamus Coleman and James McCarthy?”
Guus Hiddink
Considering that his predecessor would probably have topped this list, Guus Hiddink will be disappointed that he hasn’t made the top half here. What he has going in his favour is that he’s managed all over the world, so he’s bound to have some stories – but he does seem a mite too dull, and looks a bit like Steve Bruce, so he’d probably cramp our style. Sorry, Goose.
Arsene Wenger
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ceSygCo_Kw
We’d probably have to modify the scenario a little bit to get the best out of Arsene Wenger. The Frenchman doesn’t strike us as a man for the pub. We imagine hanging out with Wenger in a wine bar, listening to him critique wine, modern football, fine art, and pretty much anything else there is to discuss. We don’t imagine we’d do much talking. A classy gentleman, but probably not craic of the highest order.
Plus you don’t want to have to help him zip his jacket up.
Mark Hughes
Mark Hughes has a very stern vibe about him so we’re not sure he’s the man to go for pints with. He strikes us as the curmudgeon sitting at the bar, grumbling out of the side of his mouth, talking about how he could have managed Man City to the title, constantly complaining about “that scarf-wearing fancy dan Mancini” and referring to Manuel Pellegrini as Audrey off Corrie.
Manuel Pellegrini
Pellegrini seems like a decent bloke. Was easy to dislike Mancini. Is it because he looks like Audrey from Corrie?! pic.twitter.com/mSAT0hwmVI
— FPL MUPPET (@FPL_MUPPET) December 5, 2015
Looks a lot like Audrey off Corrie, which is a pretty bad start. He also never looks particularly happy. City also aren’t really as good as they should be when you really think about it. This would probably turn awkward really fast as you realise that you’re not really impressed by him and start badgering him about why City aren’t doing better.
Alan Curtis
Curtis has been backroom staff at Swansea for over 10 years now, and not an awful lot is known about his style or his personality. We wouldn’t really like to go for pints for him because we’d have spend too long on small-talk getting to know him. Sorry, Al, you’re not invited.
Sam Allardyce
https://twitter.com/gillesoffthenet/status/656171488433864704?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
We’re pretty sure that it wouldn’t be long before Big Sam descended into a rant about how we’d all be raving about English beers if they had names like Carling-berg or Boddingtons-weiser. Nobody really wants to know how far down that rabbit-hole goes so we’d probably get out of there pretty sharpish, while he drunk-calls Real Madrid for the fourth time.
Mauricio Pochettino
Pochettino never really has much to say for himself. He used a translator throughout his first season in England, even though his English was fine. Secretive and sly, we’re not sure we’d ever feel entirely comfortable hanging out with him alone. Damn good manager, though.
It’s also harder to trust him since he got rid of his luscious locks…
https://twitter.com/elvisghits/status/614527881524293632
Louis Van Gaal
Picture the scene. A group of mates around the table, drinking pints, everybody’s having a laugh, all ripping the piss out of one another. Somebody goes “Jesus, Louis, what about these United results eh?”, and the room falls silent. Then you’ve got to deal with him getting all high and mighty, asking “Is no-one in this room feeling to apologise to me?”. We’ll pass on that kind of treatment, thanks.
https://twitter.com/BreatheSport/status/688751875949244416
