The 2014 Winter Olympics officially kick off in Sochi, Russia tomorrow, so make sure you keep an eager ear out for all of these comments from the soon-to-be ice-obsessed Irish fans …
1. Do we even have a team in this thing?
Yes. Yes we do. There are only five of them in total but they are representing Ireland, so make sure you get behind them for the next fortnight.
COYBIG – Come On You Bobsledders* In Green
*None of our team are bobsledders unfortunately, in spite of the best efforts of these guys: Cúl Runnings anyone?
2. If this was the Water Olympics we’d win.
Hard to argue based on the weather of recent weeks…
This cash-strapped Corkonian takes first place in the Aqua ATM competition of course.
3. Do you remember your one, Eddie the Eagle?
Most Irish people’s knowledge of ski jumping began, and swiftly ended, with the bespectacled English man’s terribly lame efforts in Calgary, Canada in 1988.
Forget Ski Jumper, Eddie was, as the Italians brilliantly described him, a Ski Dropper.
4. Norway have it sewn up…
Biathlon conspiracy theorists abound.
They’ve already won first place in the fashion stakes, so why not take first place in everything else?
5. Jaysus, I’d love a go at curling.
Speaking of curling…
If someone opened a curling rink for the next two weeks, it would most definitely be a licence to print money. Times could be hard after the fortnight though until the 2018 Winter Olympics fever kicks in.
6. They look freeeeeezin’.
No sh*t Sherlock.
7. Luge? Skeleton? I did something similar one winter on an empty fertiliser bag
Your childhood slide down the sleet-covered big hill behind your house really doesn’t compare with hurtling down a real bobsled track at 75mph.
8. Winter (Olympics) is coming…
One for all the Game Of Thrones fans.
9. If the Jamaican lads can set up a bobsled team, then surely we can too…
Get that car bonnet to the top of the hill and start practising. You never know, you might make Pyeongchang in four years’ time.
(You won’t).
10. It’s just not the same without the Ski Sunday theme tune.
It’s really not…
You’re dancing in your chair right now, aren’t you? We knew it.
11. That Sochi place has got nothing on Kilternan.
Ah, the National Snowsports Centre For Ireland in Kilternan, Dublin – every Irish person’s only experience of skiing in their homeland.
12. I wish we had snow here.
No. No you don’t.
Do we even have to remind you of the fierce Irish Winter of 2011? You remember the one – it was the time that Supervalu truck slid backwards down the hill and almost on top of your purple Nissan Micra.
13. Sochi. So-chee? Soaky? Socky? Like on the Den?
Not “Socky” you fool. Listen to the nice lady who lives inside your computer saying it correctly by clicking here.
14. Did you hear about those double-toilet thingys they have to use? You wouldn’t catch me in there that’s for sure…
The now infamous Sochi double toilets are certainly a sight to behold. You might as well just get cosy in Sochi and use them though, otherwise you’ll be holding it in for two weeks and that just ain’t healthy.
Synchronised sh*tting.
