Is that all you’ve got?
The one-season wonder is a particularly puzzling footballing phenomenon. Football, after all, is a terribly simple game and over the course of a twenty year career, it doesn’t make a lot of sense for your ability to jump up and down more times than Jurgen Klopp celebrating a throw-in to Liverpool.
Anyone who saw Jamie Vardy score five goals in over 30 games for Leicester last season would not have bet a red cent on the 28-year-old bagging 11-in-11 so far this season but, well, here we are.
Amr Zaki. Mido. Danny Graham. DJ Campbell. All truly rubbish players who have, at one time or another, inexplicably torn up the Premier League before receding into the mists of ‘four-or-five-goals-a-season-max’ from whence they came.
We’ve picked an XI of players who were by no means awful, but who all failed to reach a bar they set for themselves with one really good season.
Carlo Cudicini
For all we know, Carlo Cudicini never stopped being a good goalkeeper. He was ITV’s Goalkeeper of the Year after conceding only 38 goals in the 2002-2003 season. Soon after this, injury took him out of the first team and Petr Cech came to claim Chelsea’s number one jersey. He finally left the club in 2009 and joined Spurs, playing second fiddle Heurelho Gomes, Brad Friedel and Hugo Lloris.
Fun fact: he joined the Ireland U21’s goalkeeping staff in March 2015.
Clip via สยมภู จันทร์ขาว.
Markus Babbel
Markus Babbel only made 42 appearances for Gerrard Houllier’s Liverpool side, but in that time he formed part of a back four that won no fewer than five trophies. Babbel never went on to fulfil the promise of his über-successful opening season at the club, in large part due to being stricken with Guillain-Barré syndrome.
Clip via Janko Sladović.
Michael Dawson
Michael Dawson was such a powerhouse centre-half during Spurs’ 2009-2010 season that he was called up to Fabio Capello’s 2010 World Cup squad, despite having never featured for England before. He pretty much never featured again either, amassing just four caps between 2010 and 2011. He was relegated with Hull last season and remains mired in the Championship.
He is truly the JCB Song of football.
Clip via trampolineman124.
Titus Bramble
If somebody compared you to Titus Bramble out on the five-a-side field, it is unlikely that you would take it well, but once upon a time a young Titus featured heavily for an Ipswich team that defied all the odds and finished fifth. Not long after, he signed for Newcastle and was voted the worst player in the Premier League by The Fiver.
Clip via JOSH.
Asier Del Horno
Asier Del Horno was Chelsea’s most used left-back in the season that they won their second league title. He never even got the chance to screw up his second season because he was immediately sold to Valencia, who repeatedly loaned him out to other Spanish sides below them in the table. This is why you shouldn’t sign for Chelsea.
Here he is trying to kill the greatest footballer to ever grace Planet Earth:
Clip via strangenessEPR.
Cheick Tioté
Cheick Tioté has spent five years as an almost ever-present in Newcastle’s midfield, but his stock has dropped considerably as of late. In the 2011-2012 season, the man was a destroyer of attacks and a dynamic ball-carrier. At just 29, he is now a shadow of a trace of that man. It is no coincidence that Newcastle’s form has dipped in conjunction with the holding midfielder’s complete loss of confidence and bite.
Here’s a video of his only ever Premier League goal:
Clip via whagaman.
Michu
Michu’s career was largely unspectacular until Swansea paid a paltry fee for the midfielder-turned-striker. Michu took to the Premier League like a swan to water and scored 17 goals in his first season. He was clearly shaken by the club’s sacking of Michael Laudrup and only scored two goals in his second season.
A loan at Napoli last season did not work out and he’s now back at Swansea, Winston Bogarde-ing his paycheck on a weekly basis.
Clip via YRCHDWorldwide.
Robinho
Robinho was the first in a string of controversial Man City players who seemed to give up on their English club careers after starting brightly. Robinho banged in 14 goals during his first season at the City of Manchester Stadium, but once his second season started he was clearly fed up in England. He went back to Brazil that January and hasn’t looked the same since.
Clip via ArnoTheJason.
Benni McCarthy
Benni McCarthy is another player who took no time at all to make an impression on English football, scoring 18 goals in his first season at Blackburn. He would only reach double figures once more in his six years in the Premier League, including two seasons at West Ham where he didn’t score at all, and got fined more money than we’ll ever earn for being ‘too fat’.
Here’s his 1998 classic hit ‘Shibobo’:
Mikael Forssell
In the four years between 2003 and 2007, Mikael Forssell scored 21 clubs goals. 17 of those goals came in the one season for Birmingham. Forssell has a respectable record at international level with 29 goals for Finland, but when it comes to his Premier League career, it’s fair to say he Finnished up pretty quickly. Eh? Eh?!
Clip via BC FC.
Michael Bridges
Michael Bridges’ career flew off the road way before Fernando Torres and Falcao made it cool to magically lose all of your talent out of nowhere. At the tender age of 21, Bridges scored 19 goals in his first season at Elland Road, including a hat-trick in his second appearance… He then went about six years before ever scoring again. Injuries played their part but we’re not sure any injury excuses a six-year goal drought.
Here’s a video, entitled ‘Class is permanent’, that shows him winning a throw-in a few years back:
Clip via Glen Wilson.
