Things we hope we'll read in the Fergie book, but probably won't
Alex Ferguson’s highly-anticipated book goes on release today so we decided to take a piss-take-y guess at what we might read once we get our hands on a copy.
Unless you are David Moyes, Wayne Rooney, Rafa Benitez… okay quite a few people, then you will probably have more than a passing interest in the thoughts of the most successful manager English football has seen.
We’re hoping he gives the hairdryer in the book just like he has been known to do in the dressing room, and below is what we think could well be extracts from the book*.
*We know these won't be extracts from the book, and are purely for sh*ts and giggles.
After ending Arsenal’s unbeaten record, the lads were buzzing in the changing room, with a few pizzas being dished out for celebration. Everyone was in high spirits until the Arsenal players, who were also given pizza, were getting stroppy after losing. It would have been their 50th game unbeaten after all, and when it comes to being sore losers, Arsene Wenger is even worse than I am. And that is saying something.
Ruud Van Nistelrooy celebrates his goal in the hard-fought 2-0 win
Patrick Vieira and Roy Keane were exchanging pleasantries over who could eat more slices, while Dennis Bergkamp was a little unhappy that it was only being served at room temperature.
I had a few words with Jose Antonio Reyes for going down like he was shot all game when out of nowhere, a slice of margherita hit me right on the kisser. Immediately I suspected it was one of our boys accidently hitting me in the cross-fire as none of the Arsenal players looked any way accurate during the 90 minutes on the pitch, but I could hear plenty of laughter coming from the Gunners changing room.
Luckily Cristiano Ronaldo had a spare shirt which I quickly put on before facing the Sky cameras ahead of some bland questions from Geoff Shreeves. We lost the pizza battle, but won the football war.
Arsene, of course, didn't see the incident.
Ever since Wayne handed in his transfer request in October 2010, our relationship had become purely professional. He disappointed me in his actions at the time and I made him aware that it was not the United way of doing business and that he would have to earn his place in the team.
After the capture of Robin Van Persie, his role in the team began to change and after playing him out wide he began to sulk. Not to mention put on a bit of timber. After the Real Madrid game things came to a head and we held a heated meeting.
“It’s not my favoured position,” he fumed.
“Well missionary with a woman three times your age and several grandchildren seems to be your favoured position if the tabloids are to be believed,” I responded calmly. He was furious and muttered something about Chelsea before storming out.
The truth was he was no longer our main man and did not deserve the starting role up front. His insistence on being called Wazza also grated, so I did not hold back after the final home game of the season when I let Sky know what I really thought, subtly of course.
Wayne, if you are reading this, which I doubt, I haven’t gone away you know.
Rock of Gibraltar
A lovely place to go on your holidays. What, what else did you think I was going to say?
Ah, I love the smell of mutual consent in the morning. Roy had been the man for me for years but he did an interview that criticised the team and if I was going to ignore the BBC, I couldn't let this go. We had a meeting, I forgot how many years he had been at the club (In fairness, I don't keep track of that sort of stuff) and Roy was out the door before we had even opened the prawn sandwiches I had bought in for the occasion. I always did like a laugh and I think Roy would have appreciated the joke.
Eric Djemba Djemba
So bad they named him twice. I bought him just so I could use that joke. I've no excuse for David Bellion. Sorry about that one.
The Ireland job
Every two years I'd get a call from some fella in Dublin about taking over the team. Don Jelaney I think is his name. Nah, not for me
Every manager I have ever known has said he knows when the time is right to call it a day. Unfortunately my moment cost the club somewhere in the region of £7 million, but you are never going to get all the transfers right. First and last time using YouTube.