Cluxton v McAteer: What actually happened (probably)

A JOE insider who witnessed the incident involving Stephen Cluxton and Jason McAteer let us know exactly what caused the fight between the pair.

Although the ‘insider’ had a surprisingly vivid account of the incident (including a full transcript of what was said), we do acknowledge his recollections of events may be sullied by his stinking cider breath and complete lack of pants.

That aside, details of the incident involving Dublin goalkeeper Stephen Cluxton and Irish soccer legend Jason McAteer at a charity match yesterday remain sketchy from most media outlets, yet we at JOE have scooped them all with our insider (later thrown out of Morton Stadium) and his breathless account of the views exchanged between the pair.

Here’s how it went down (lawyers at the ready!):

McAteer (after a crunching Cluxton tackle): Eh, steady on there mate. What are you doing outfield anyway, didn’t I see you in goals with a stick on the telly last night?

Cluxton: That’s hurling Jason. I was playing Gaelic Football – for no money. I’m a real man. Yarr.

McAteer: And you’re the best they can do today? I was told there was going to be actual celebrities here. Where the hell are Bono and radio legend Ray Shah?

Cluxton: I’m an actual sportsman, not a numpty that tried to open a car door with a wooden hanger.

McAteer: When did Bono try to open a car door with a wooden hanger?

Cluxton: I meant you Jason!

McAteer: Oh right yeah. They never said it wasn’t a wooden car!

Cluxton: Yeah, yeah. Well keep your luscious, vibrant, bouncy Head & Shoulders mane on and stop trying to clip me!

McAteer: Your dandruff appals me.

Cluxton: What...did...you...say???

Bernard Dunne: Easy, easy lads! Let’s all relax with a nice bag of Hunky Dory’s – I still have a few left over from them sponsoring all my fights, the ones I won anyway. Two bags!

Cluxton: I’m not having my dandruff management sullied in public by a man without a single Premier League trophy!

McAteer: Oh yeah? And how many All Irelands have Dublin won with you in the team? I’m genuinely curious and I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Cluxton: I’m sorry for yelling at you Jason, I apologise. Please, come a little closer and inspect my non-Head & Shoulders-utilised scalp.

Jason: Okay, let’s have a look... [leans closer]

Cluxton: Take this ya Tranmere reject! [wallops McAteer in the face, leaving the former Irish international flailing on the ground]. Real men use Wash N'Go!

And that’s how it all happened... allegedly.

To see the pictures that accompanied this exchange click here.