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10th Feb 2014

One Donegal man is offering his services as ‘special advisor’ to Manchester United

He's confident he can get Jim McGuinness on board, he once talked to him for thirty seconds so the deal is pretty much done

JOE

He’s confident he can get Jim McGuinness on board, he once talked to him for thirty seconds so the deal is pretty much done

It’s been another tough weekend for Manchester United fans after their side failed to get a result from struggling Fulham, and there will be more than a few fans who are beginning to get a bit worried about where the team will finish.

Fear not, however, as one Donegal man has his eyes on the prize and plans on getting in touch with the Manchester club to offer his services as a troubleshooter and special advisor to David Moyes in order to help the club through this rough patch. He’s drafted up a letter that he plans to send to the folks in charge at United, but he first posted it to the Donegal Page on Facebook, looking for feedback before he sends it on.

There might be a few questions about his credentials, but the as yet unnamed fan has moved to clear up any doubts with a quick outline of what makes them qualified for the position, including some tactical expertise as displayed from a young age on the scubunto table soccer game, a high scoring season in the Milford & District Schoolboys league a few years back, and a good track record in the transfer market and league in Fantasy Football, where their team is currently perched in a respectable 665,143th position.

The ace that this particular fan has up their sleeve however, is their little black book full of footballing contacts, and being from Donegal, they’ve got an in with both Jim McGuinness and Seamus Coleman, not to mention Shay Given.

No job application is complete without a little bit of information on your personality and your hobbies, to show the company that you’re a well rounded individual, and so there’s also a section which fits that bill in this letter. However, we were surprised to see that this lad listed ‘internet trolling’ on there, we had no idea…

The full letter, if you fancy taking a read, is right here for your convenience:

Dear Sir/Madam

I wish to offer my services to Manchester United football club in a Trouble Shooter/Advisor/Football Consultant capacity.

I do not at present hold any of those fancy UEFA A or B coaching licences but as Eamon Dunphy and John Giles once said something to the effect that all coaches should be run out of the country (in their renowned “You need poverty and dictatorships to produce good footballers” rant) I do not see this as
an inhibiting factor. I am happy to work with a clueless out-of-his-depth manager and a certain venerable, elderly director if the red tape merchants in UEFA have any quibbles about my appointment.

Just to outline some of my credentials for the role – at the tender age of eight I masterminded a series of stunning successes in scubunto table soccer over my whole class, bamboozling them with a number of formations and tactical switches with which they were unable to cope.

I was the also 2nd highest goal scorer in the Milford & district schoolboys ‘B’ league in 1994, where my team recorded a 100% record and a league and cup double, this despite some of my team mates having what could only be described as a confused understanding of the rules of the game. By the way we were only in the B league because of some admin cock-up.

Admittedly, that was the high point of my football career as injuries and a general aversion to training and listening to shit from a series of ill-qualified moran [sic] managers cut short my promising career.

I have however continued to pursue my interest in football management – mainly through the Fantasy Premier League online – where my current team sit proudly in 665,143th position – not to worry we are preparing to mount a late season flurry and expect to be in the top 500,000 come season end.

I also have lots of interesting connections in the world of sports coaching and management, I once had a 30 second conversation with Jim McGuinness and struck an immediate rapport with him – while its not exactly a done deal, I’m pretty confident I can prize him away from Celtic, ditto Seamus Coleman and Shay Given. According to my sources in Killybegs, Seamie wants to join a big club. Also I think Shay could slot in instead of DeGea – I have
seen goalkeepers suffering from 2 day hangovers in the Donegal League CT Ball Sunday Division Two react better to crosses them him.

I also have extensive experience dealing with over-paid and over-rated types – so no problem dealing with those inflated egos in the dressing room.

My hobbies include Internet trolling and lighting fires.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely
[Name withheld for Operational and possible Legal reasons]

Hat tip to Denis Carr on Facebook, who sent this our way