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20th Aug 2014

Transfer Talk: Chelsea in for Carvalho, Nastasic off to Juve and Spurs want Fellaini and Hernandez

With eleven days to go in this transfer window, the lies and spoofs are accelerating at an alarming rate...

Eric Lalor

With eleven days to go in this transfer window, the lies and spoofs are accelerating at an alarming rate…

Sporting Lisbon’s William Carvalho was seen to be the man Arsene Wenger would use to toughen up his midfield, but Portuguese publication Abola (unfortunate name given current world health affairs) have indicated that Chelsea will beat them to his signature with a whopping £35m bid.

Mourinho’s (pic below) ability to speak in his native tongue has dazzled Carvalho and, although Arsene Wenger’s pigeon Portuguese was deemed hilarious and cute, it was felt that it was not a good environment to train in seeing as he would be on his back laughing all the time.

Burnley v Chelsea - Premier League

The missing out for Arsenal doesn’t stop there, however, with the Daily Express claiming that Manchester City’s decidedly average defender Matija Nastasic is on his way to Juventus. Wenger had hoped to bring him in as a replacement for Thomas Vermaelen, but it seems the Old Lady fancy bringing him back to Serie A.

The Old Lady is the nickname for Juventus, I am not claiming that my wife is bringing him to Italy. Although if she is, she better bring back one of those giant Toblerones from duty-free.

Manchester United v Swansea City - Premier League

Tottenham boss Mauricio Pochettino wants to sign two Manchester United players in the form of Javier Hernandez (pic above) and Marouane Fellaini according to CaughtOffside, which is singularly the most untrustworthy football source on the planet.

They once claimed that Alex Ferguson was to sign as a striker for Athlone Town after he announced his retirement as manager for United… allegedly. Anyway, they have decided that Spurs want the pair for £24m.

International Champions Cup 2014 - Inter Milan v Manchester United

Staying with the Old Trafford clear-out, new Crystal Palace boss Malky Mackay is hoping to make Wilfried Zaha (pic above) his first signing according to the Star. It has been alleged that Tony Pullis fell out with the chairman as he didn’t quite like the cut of Zaha’s jib and questioned his character. The chairman is a big fan and so is Mackay apparently and a bid is expected soon.

Fulham v Hull City - Premier League

John Arne Riise (pic above) is a free agent after leaving Fulham and has told SkySports that Aston Villa are interested in signing him. To which SkySports said “so what?” The former Liverpool player said “There has been some interest from a few English clubs, Aston Villa is one of them. There has been some interest from Spain also. But there is nothing on the table yet.”

You’d think professional players of this day and age, who earn the astronomical money that they do, could afford some nice place mats and a few candles.

International Champions Cup 2014 - Liverpool v AC Milan

The Daily Mirror reckon that young Liverpool winger Jordan Ibe (pic above) will join Bolton on loan for the season after being “squeezed out by Adam Lallana and Lazar Markovic” at Anfield. He apparently took the aisle seat on the team bus, but Lallana and Markovic threw their weight around and he ended up on the floor.

Ibe, who sounds like an American multinational corporation e-commerce company will sulk off to the Macron Stadium with his bag of boots over his shoulder to the backing track of Eric Carmen’s ‘All By Myself’.

In other news, Fulham’s Costa Rica striker Bryan Ruiz, 29, who spent the second half of last season on loan at PSV Eindhoven, is the target of a £3m offer from Werder Bremen.

We’re off to buy some stuff for John Arne Riise’s bare table.