It’s been 18 years since Scream outlined the basic rules for getting through a horror movie. A great deal has changed in the genre since then, but one thing hasn’t: JOE would still totally survive any horror movie…
We don’t just know the rules for surviving horror movies, we wrote the rules. Well we haven’t actually written them down yet… OK, we are presently writing the rules.
Rule #1 – Be picky when buying a house
JOE: “So tell me about the person who lived here previously.”
Estate agent: “It was a serial killer ghost who occasionally zombiefied in this gigantic house, which is over an Indian graveyard. But the house really is cheap. And it comes with a room full of porcelain dolls.”
JOE: “We think we’ll will pass on this one…”
If you do disobey this rule, don’t blame us when appliances start turing on without you touching them. You should also shop around when choosing holiday destinations – Camp Crystal Lake should be avoided at all costs.
Rule #2 – Don’t solve puzzles
JOE has never completed a puzzle in our life, apart from that one time we took all the stickers off our Rubik’s Cube. Having said that, JOE has also never been in a situation that would have made for a good horror film. Coincidence? We think not.
http://youtu.be/vQ4dnBrtrWc
Clip via: mudx0rz
Rule #3 – Don’t follow pets
If you have a pet and you are in a horror movie situation, that animal will invariably run into the dark wilderness. Do not follow.
The animal will probably be fine without you anyway. Just look at Jonesy from Alien and Aliens – he’s doing great.
Clip via: ImmaDeacon
Rule #4 – Use GPS
You live in the year 2014, there is no reason you cannot use GPS. Also, what’s the deal with shortcuts? What’s the rush? Would you not rather be, you know, alive?
If you do get lost and some yokel gives you directions, he is definitely lying to you. Turn around, go home, put the kettle on and wait for all of this to blow over.
http://youtu.be/OxuhNXedNqs
Clip via: ImageEntertainment
Rule #5 – Don’t buy, inherit or find any dolls
JOE makes a general rule of not going into the doll section of toy stores. We do this not because we are overly paranoid of their freakishly lifelike eyes, but because dolls have a habit of trying to kill you in imaginative ways. Now kites, they’re a much safer investment.
Clip via: xHorrorFesTx
We plan to add to these rules when going to the Jameson Cult Film Club screening of Friday 13th Part 2 on October 23 & 24. Visit jamesoncultfilmclub.ie for your chance to win tickets. But be quick, Jason’s back and the body count continues.
Become a member of Jameson’s Cult Film Club for the chance to win tickets to exclusive screenings.
Enjoy Jameson sensibly, visit drinkaware.ie
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