Entertaining President Higgins & dressing Helen Mirren like a man: JOE spins the Tombola of Truth with The Rubberbandits
Blindboy Boatclub's answers are bonkers and brilliant.
The Rubberbandits are touring across Ireland and Britain with their critically-acclaimed show, Continental Fistfight. We caught up with Blindboy Boatclub and got him to spin the Tombola of Truth.
Who would you like to play the part of you in your biopic?
Helen Mirren, but with make up to make her look like a man. And rapid old woman boobs.
Who or what grinds your gears?
I have an extinct dog breed called a Turnspit Dog.
They were bred during the mid-industrial revolution for the purpose of turning a wheel that would cook meat evenly. The cur was usually employed by cooks.
However, I use the dog to turn the gears in a 12 foot mechanical version of Derek Davis.
I recently used the brass effigy of the former Telifís Eireann presenter to entertain President Higgins and his wife out my back garden.
However, I failed to oil Derek correctly, so the Turnspit Dog ground my gears in that particular situation. Thusly, the President administered a flogging to the animal with a length of rubber tubing.
What's your go-to joke? Clean or otherwise...
What's the difference between an apple and an orange?
I've never heard of an apple bastard.
If you could invent one flavour of ice cream, what would it be?
I'd blow all of Ben & Jerry's budget by demanding the flavour of the idea of a strawberry.
Not a strawberry, but the mind's recollection of that taste and subsequent momentary synthesis of it on the tongue and general olfactory system.
You know the one. You're experiencing it right now just because I've mentioned it. Best of luck to the c*nts trying to turn that into an ice cream.
What's the strangest thing you've seen or heard?
The sound of my balls slapping off Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas arse a few years ago backstage at Oxegen.
Who was your first crush?
Joan Of Arc.
How do you like your tea?
Boiling hot and poured into my mouth from atop an oak tree. The vertical descent cools the tea to an agreeable temperature and also takes on the wonderful flavour of falling from a proud oak.
I take my milk a half an hour later then, straight from the cow's tit, with a chance of tuberculosis.