This is an official statement from the Government Department of How To Do Things Correctly.
Some people *gestures broadly* are animals.
They do insane things like put the milk in before their tea and start celebrating Christmas in the middle of August.
It’s insanity and it needs to stop. Action must be taken. This glitch in humanity must be rectified before everything goes even further to pot.
Rather than sitting back and allowing people to go about their lives in the wrong way, we will set them straight. Today.
Behold, an official guide to when it’s socially acceptable to start celebrating Christmas.
Before August – No
Just no. Not entertaining your stupidity. Go away. No.
August – Extremely Incorrect
If you are celebrating Christmas or having any sort of excitable feelings towards the holiday season during August, you are incorrect. Something in your DNA has been wired incorrectly and we strongly recommend booking an appointment with your local GP to arrange getting put down at your nearest convenience.
Regrettably, this is the only effective course of action that can be taken. Although you could potentially try to restrain yourself, it will be a fruitless effort. Your brain is instinctively triggered around the middle of August each year and no amount of attempts to shun these Christmassy tendencies will work.
You are a slave to the silly season. Unfortunately, immediate ceasing of life is the only option here.
September – Deeply Incorrect
Again, you’re the victim of incorrect hardware wiring. It’s not your fault, just something that has happened to your brain along the way. You see, September, as per the Gregorian calendar, is actually three months away from Christmas.
That’s a long time, buddy. It’s redundant energy getting yourself all hot and bothered over the prospect of Christmas movies in front of the fire with hot chocolate and Roses sweets when you still have to get through three months of regular everyday insufferable life first.
Your efforts would be far better put to use listening to Earth, Wind & Fire’s hit song dedicated to this month rather than wistfully dreaming of a time that’s so far away.
October – Grossly Incorrect
Are you a moron? Do you not enjoy the spooky season? You’re turning your back on Halloween in favour of a time that is still TWO calendar months away. Get a grip on your life. There are other things to occupy your time with right now. Do you understand what Halloween permits? You get to terrify small children and eat their sweets.
Scary movies are begging for your attention and you’re sat in bed illegally streaming Elf. You make me sick to my stomach. Get a fat grip on reality, loser. Restart your brain because it is broken. Don’t just feign interest in Halloween because that’s what everyone else is doing and you don’t want to stand out.
Once it turns midnight on the 31st you’ll have the stockings hung bare for all to see, exposing your phoney holiday wokeness. Nobody likes you. Turn your life around or run the risk of spending the rest of it alone.
November – Still Incorrect
Don’t get cocky because you’re slightly further down the list than those August Christmas Celebrant lunatics. You’re still not much better. November is a bleak month, so just let it be what it is. Embrace the cold weather and incessant rain. Heck, throw your efforts into Thanksgiving if you want to.
Sure, it’s an American celebration, but that doesn’t mean you can’t bandwagon on their fun. They do it to us all the time. How else is a Downton Abbey movie currently in the works? Just have a little more restraint, is all I’m asking.
You’ve done well to contain your excitement until the month before Christmas actually begins, now you just need to push it a little further. Pray to your Lord. Join a club. Take up smoking. Figure out who the Zodiac Killer is. Just distract yourself for a tiny bit longer, please.
December (pre 8th) – Wrong
Look at that, it’s December 1st. You know what that means, right? Wrong. It is Bette Midler’s birthday and that is the only thing worth celebrating on this day. Not even Woody Allen’s birthday gets an ounce of acknowledgement. What December 1st is NOT, is the beginning of Christmas.
The concept of deferred gratification is something that you ought to spend precisely seven days learning about, until such time as you are allowed to feel a smidge Christmassy. You’ve done well to contain your excitement until reaching the month in which Christmas Day actually takes place, so it’s not a huge ask for you to hold your giddiness for an extra week.
It’s like you’ve eaten 10 slices of pizza and although you’re sickeningly full, you have it within you to strive for greatness and finish all 12. Gorge yourself on patience. I promise you, the payoff is there.
December (post 8th) – Correct
Congratulations, champ. You are a correct human being.
You play by the rules and that’s something that deserves formal acknowledgement here today. You’re a straight shooter, keen to stick to the script and rarely veer from the norm. I’m guessing here, but I’m pretty sure that your taxes are in order and you’ve even got a generous pension plan lined up. December 8th is the correct day to allow yourself to experience the beginnings of Christmas excitement.
Perhaps you will order a seasonal drink in a coffee-serving establishment of your choice, or simply allow your mind to fantasise about not having to go into your hellhole of a workplace for a couple of days at the end of the month. Whatever your individual preference, please ensure that you take a moment to commend yourself on being a normally functioning human being. You are perfectly sufficient.
Sure, there are other areas of your life that need looking at, but in this particular instance, you are on the money.
December 24th – Extremely Correct
Wow. Truly, wow. Your self control is staggering, or else you probably just don’t care about Christmas all that much.
Either way, you are a pillar of strength in this world and a true force to be reckoned with. The fact that you have managed to avoid feeling any glimmer of Christmas excitement until the day before it takes place is no easy task.
You’ve turned a blind eye to the hideous Christmas jumpers all around, dodged the Love Actually scheduling conflicts on television, even slipped out of the work Christmas party before it all got a bit too much to handle.
If I can be honest? I want more for you. I recommend allowing your Christmas celebrations to begin a smidge earlier. The optimum day for Christmas excitement to start is December 21st. The winter solstice takes place, everyone is in high spirits and it’s also Jane Fonda’s birthday.
Get out there and enjoy the magic a little earlier than the 24th, champ. You’ve earned it.
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
