Years from now, people will ask you “Where were you when you first watched the trailer for The Meg?”
The iconic Jason Statham VS Giant Shark movie finally showed us the first trailer on Tuesday, and the online reaction has been immediate and incredible.
Is it going to be the greatest movie of all time? Who can tell? We can tell, because yes, it will.
However, watching the trailer and reading the synopsis of the movie feel like two very different things.
Here is the official synopsis, provided by Warner Brothers themselves:
Five years ago, expert sea diver and Naval Captain Jonas Taylor (Jason Statham) encountered an unknown danger in the unexplored recesses of the Mariana Trench that forced him to abort his mission and abandon half his crew. [None of this is in the trailer]
Though the tragic incident earned him a dishonourable discharge, what ultimately cost him his career, his marriage and any semblance of honour was his unsupported and incredulous claims of what caused it – an attack on his vessel by a mammoth, 70-foot sea creature, believed to be extinct for more than a million years. [Is any of this mentioned in the trailer? No.]
But when a submersible lies sunk and disabled at the bottom of the ocean – carrying his ex-wife among the team onboard – he is the one who gets the call. [Guess what? Not in the trailer.]
Whether a shot at redemption or a suicide mission, Jonas must confront his fears and risk his own life and the lives of everyone trapped below on a single question: Could the Carcharodon Megalodon – the largest marine predator that ever existed – still be alive … and on the hunt? [This may or may not be in the trailer, it isn’t entirely clear.]
In case you missed it, here is the full length trailer, followed by our breakdown:
00:00:01 – We’re right in the thick of it, as we’re brought to a research facility, that is actually an oil rig…
00:00:05 – Oh, whales!
00:00:12 – Wait. Why is there a small child on this very expensive looking underwater facility? What is all this stuff lying around that her magic disco ball gets stuck on?
00:00:15 – The shark arrives, and we’re only 15 seconds in. No room for tension or build up here, and we appreciate that.
00:00:27 – The shark attacks the glass tunnel, which really makes you think… who thought that building this out of glass was a good idea?
00:00:30 – JASON STATHAM!
00:00:38 – Little girl: “There’s a monster outside.” Yeah, you’re miles under the surface of the ocean. We’re sure you’ve seen Finding Nemo, everything down that deep is a monster.
00:00:41 – Statham looks at the bite marks, and his face is all ‘Oh no, you guys, this is bad news’.
00:00:50 – Off-screen narration person: “What you people discovered is bigger than we ever thought possible.” Hey, guy, they didn’t ‘discover’ anything. This thing swam up and knocked on their front door with its teeth.
00:01:00 – Ruby Rose: “A living fossil.” We’re not sure Ruby Rose knows what a fossil is, and how they fundamentally can’t be living.
00:01:05 – Scientist Guy #1: “They were thought to have been extinct for over two millions years.”
00:01:06 – Scientist Guy #2: “Wrong.” This might be the single worst comeback we’ve ever heard in cinematic history, and we appreciate that.
00:01:10 – GIANT SQUID ATTACK!
00:01:18 – Oh, don’t worry, The Meg saved the day! Hooray! He’s our hero! Is this movie kind of like Godzilla, where The Meg is just misunderstood?
00:01:23 – Statham finally has a line. “My God, it’s a Megalodon.” Although he delivers the line like he’s introducing a character from Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels, and we appreciate that.
00:01:25 – Dwight Schrute From The US Office: “He’s kidding, right?” Ladies and gentlemen, we have found our comic relief.
00:01:26 – Frank Sinatra (or Bobby Darin?) singing ‘Somewhere Beyond The Sea’, which should help clarify to anyone watching exactly the tone that this movie is going for, and we appreciate that.
00:01:30 – A happy family are getting married on a boat, and then they all jump into the ocean together. Y’know, wedding stuff.
00:01:35 – The dog is swimming, then sees the big shark, and then swims the other way. We hope this dog is prepared to become the next big meme of 2018. “When you walk into a room and spot your ex…”
00:01:41 – What started off as Modern Deep Blue Sea is now Modern Jaws, as The Meg wanders into heavily populated beaches, and absolutely nobody seems to notice a 70 foot shark swimming literally five feet beneath their feet.
00:01:48 – Dwight Schrute: “Why don’t you guys put a tracker on it? Didn’t you guys ever watch Shark Week?” We wouldn’t have thought that losing a 70 foot shark was going to be an issue, but … here we are.
00:01:52 – The Meg, apparently not enjoying the taste of giant squid or glass walls, is now singling out specific people sitting on boats. Because this is a movie about a giant shark and we need that money shot of the giant shark jumping out of the water.
00:02:02 – CHOMP! On THIS. This is … an okay pun. But the one on the poster was much better.
“Pleasure To Eat You”. Fantastic, although we would have also accepted: “He isn’t your chum”, “The tooth hurts”, or “There is some fin fishy going on”.
00:02:08 – Lots of stuff happening, people screaming, etc. Then Statham gets his Jaws moment, with the “Chew on this you ugly-“, before being cut off by the shark attacking. Not unlike Roy Schreider at the end of Jaws, shouting “Smile you sonofa-“. The modern updating is appropriate and we appreciate that.
00:02:19 – Explosions! Helicopters! Screaming tourists! A guy in a hamster ball!
00:02:21 – Final shot, with the movie’s title, in which the shark seems to have grown big enough to swallow an entire boat without chewing. And we appreciate that.
The Meg is in cinemas from Friday 10 August, and the 91st Academy Awards takes place on 24 February 2019.
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