Horror bursts through your screen in the movies on TV tonight
Let's get scared, shall we?
Hey kids, it's Halloween.
Surely that means only scary films are on the box tonight?
This is the chance for the likes of TCM and ITV4 to dispense with whatever Steven Seagal or Clint Eastwood film they found down the back of the couch, if only for just one terrifying evening.
Is it a clean, albeit bloody sweep? Let's find out...
Star Trek – E4 – 6.30pm
E4 didn't get the memo, did they?
Dumb and Dumber – Comedy Central – 9pm
Comedy Central didn't get the memo, did they?
Widows – Channel 4 – 9pm
Channel 4 didn't get the memo, did they?
I'd keep that joke going but I'm a fan of the whole 'rule of three' thing.
If you've not seen Widows, you've got an acclaimed director – Steve McQueen – and a stacked cast – Viola Davis, Michelle Rodriguez, Elizabeth Debicki, Cynthia Erivo, Carrie Coon, Colin Farrell, Daniel Kaluuya, Brian Tyree Henry, Robert Duvall and Liam Neeson – and a dangerous heist.
All that, and a 91% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Worth the watch if you're not in a horror mood.
The Ring – Film4 – 9pm
JOE's main choice on this busy cinematic evening is the quite good American remake of the bone-chilling Japanese original.
A cursed video tape (remember those?) is doing the rounds, inflicting certain death upon all those who view it.
Can a determined journalist (Naomi Watts) save the day and the life of her son?
Ghostbusters – RTÉ 2 – 9pm
The 2016 reboot with Kristin Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon and Leslie Jones.
Nowhere near as bad – or as good – as you've heard.
Incarnate – Horror Channel – 9pm
Aaron Eckhart does his best low-rent Exorcist impression.
The Other Woman – E4 – 9pm
Wacky rom-com with Cameron Diaz. E4 don't like Halloween, do they?
A Nightmare on Elm Street – TCM – 9pm
Now we're talking! The original – and best? – outing for Freddy Krueger.
Manhunter – ITV4 – 10pm
Succession fans who have only recently become acquainted with the superb work of Brian Cox might be interested in Michael Mann's great 1980s crime thriller in which Cox became the first actor to portray Hannibal Lecter onscreen.
He's only got about 10 minutes of screen time here but he makes them count.
What We Do In The Shadows – BBC Two – 10.45pm
Well-received vampire faux-documentary comedy.
Terrifier – Horror Channel – 10.45pm
I've never heard of this one but the plot synopsis says it's about a murderous clown and I don't know if anything more frightening could exist.
Unless, of course, it was a murderous spider clown.
I don't want to think about this anymore. Let's move on.
The Lost Boys – TCM – 10.50pm
There's one thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach.
Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever – Comedy Central – 11.05pm
Comedy Central roars back into the seasonal spirit with the sequel to Cabin Fever that nobody bothered to witness.
Halloween III: Season of the Witch – Film4 – 11.15pm
Michael Myers is replaced by Halloween masks that leave a gruesome impression.
Let The Right One In – BBC Two – 12.05am
A moody and sensitive horror-drama in which a 12-year-old boy befriends a mysterious girl, unaware that she is a vampire responsible for a flew of brutal killings.
A very good film and much better than the American remake that followed.
The Exorcism of Emily Rose – Film4 – 1.10am
If you don't fancy sleeping.