A year in sonic nightmares.
All in all, 2017 was a good year for tunes – go and have a look at our Best Albums and Best Irish Albums countdowns if you haven’t already – but it’s fair to say there was the odd clunker or three.
So, with that in mind, let’s revisit 10 songs that gave this writer a serious headache…
#10. Lorde | ‘The Louvre’
Clip via LordeVEVO
Many people fell head over heels for Lorde’s rather insipid brand of navel-gazing in 2017.
Fair enough, given the fearless expression on display, you can understand why she speaks to so many.
And that’s cool. Lorde’s experiences are just as valid as anybody else’s, even if Melodrama lives up to its title in some pretty terrible ways.
Chief offender – ‘The Louvre’, a song that becomes genuinely difficult to struggle through long before a merciful fade-out saves the day.
That “Broadcast the boom, boom, boom…” bit? Horrific.
#9. Bebe Rexha ft. Florida Georgia Line | ‘Meant To Be’
Clip via Bebe Rexha
Every era has its designated Beautiful People Who Do Well For A While and it’s currently the turn of Bebe Rexha.
Fair enough, no beef there. She makes perfectly serviceable if totally forgettable pop music that mostly exists for shameless product placement reasons and is destined to be blared off someone’s iPhone on a bus.
I mean, that’s not okay, but what’s really not okay is trying to make Florida Georgia Line happen on this side of the Atlantic. Can we stop this? Please?
#8. Art of Anarchy | ‘Echo of a Scream’
Clip via Century Media Records
You’re probably wondering just who Art of Anarchy are, and it’s a fair question, one perhaps best suited to yield an answer in a strange pub quiz focusing on dodgy music of the early 2000s.
Art of Anarchy, you see, are fronted by Scott Stapp, himself formerly of Creed fame.
You know them – they were that hard rockin’ religious outfit who provided ‘My Sacrifice’ for that great WWF Desire video of ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin.
These days, Stapp is inspiring… well, a pretty dreadful faux-metal song that ‘boasts’ a double guitar in the video. Speaking of, are you only allowed in this band if your hair goes past your shoulders or what’s the story there?
Eight people wrote this. Eight.
#7. The Chainsmokers & Coldplay | ‘Something Just Like This’
According to a recent press release, The Chainsmokers are “the hottest artist producers in the world”, so well done them.
They make pretty wretched music, mind. This sugary team-up with Chris Martin doesn’t change the game, sadly.
It’s been documented on this very site that Coldplay only have 11 good songs. ‘Something Just Like This’ isn’t the 12th.
#6. Louis Tomlinson | ‘Miss You’
Clip via LouisTomlinsonVEVO
It’s weird to feel sorry for a millionaire, yet here we are.
The post One Direction world has given us acoustic musings (Niall), throwback karaoke antics (Harry), moody R&B (Zayn) and awful dance-floor heroics (Liam).
Louis Tomlinson, on the other hand, has gone all early-day Robbie Williams with an awkward cans-in-the-air anthem that even he sounds unsure of.
In fairness to the man, he seems like a really quite nice chap who is keenly aware of his flaws, if this interview with The Guardian is anything to go by.
Louis, mate, you don’t have to be a pop star anymore. Maybe try acting?
#5. Katy Perry ft. Migos | ‘Bon Appétit’
Clip via KatyPerryVEVO
Sorry, I’ve just lost my appetite.
#4. Taylor Swift | ‘Look What You Made Me Do’
Clip via TaylorSwiftVEVO
Underlining your victim complex with a title like ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ is one thing, but throwing away an incredible bridge for a hilariously terrible chorus that lifts from Right Said Fred is quite another.
#3. Arcade Fire | ‘Infinite Content’
Clip via ArcadeFireVEVO
Hey, remember when Arcade Fire were good?
Long time ago, at this stage.
The smuggest band in all the land doubled down on their kooky superiority and, oh boy, was it ever obnoxious.
There’s two versions of this song, because something something TOO MUCH CONTENT, maaaaan.
#2. Ed Sheeran | ‘Galway Girl’
Clip via Ed Sheeran
Where to even begin?
Let’s start with the fact that ‘The Galway Girl’ by Steve Earle is actually a really good song. Yeah, it’s been beaten down by endless covers and you’ve heard it way too many times, but it’s a clever and fun tune with a dash of knowing sadness mixed in.
When the track-listing for Ed Sheeran’s Divide album became known, everyone wondered if his ‘Galway Girl’ would follow in the footsteps of Sharon Shannon, Mundy and… Stewart Lee.
Instead, Sheeran fooled us all and went in quite another direction, one guided by the kind of wildly drawn character that would have long succumbed to alcohol poisoning were she indeed a real human being.
‘Galway Girl’ is a mess. It might have given trad outfit Beoga a career boost, but we really shouldn’t be standing for this kind of empty-headed begorrah-fueled nonsense.
#1. Will Smith | ‘Get Lit’
As Martin Tyler once remarked when Wayne Rooney scored that overhead kick against Manchester City; it defies description.
Will Smith released an EDM song in 2017.
It bears repeating.
Will Smith released an EDM song in 2017. It mostly sank without trace – there’s not even an official YouTube video, audio, lyric or otherwise – but it happened, this writer heard it and hasn’t been the same person ever since.
A truly, truly astonishing effort from the former Fresh Prince.
Approach with extreme caution.
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