Five things to avoid doing during the royal visit

The British monarch arrives in Dublin this morning and the security forces are on the streets in massive numbers. Here are five things you shouldn’t do during the royal visit.

By Robert Carry

Don’t Look suspicious!

Gardaí have released a statement saying that ‘For security reasons, there will be periodic searches of pedestrians and vehicles by members of An Garda Síochána at key locations.’ In order words, if you’re going from A to B but do so in a devious, suspicious, shifty or éirígí like manner, you face being collared.

Having to give your name, address and an account of your movements is one thing, but imagine the shame of standing there in full view of the passing public while officers force pull a wad of used tissue, a two-for-one McDonalds voucher and a pink chap-stick you stole from your girlfriend out of your pocket. We’re also hoping there’s no truth in the rumour that security forces plan to carry out random cavity searches of people who walk past the Garden of Remembrance.

Don’t drop your lunch box!

Suspicious devices come in all manner of dubious shapes and sizes but the humble lunch box seems to have a particular appeal for bombers.

Eagle-eyed, armed gardaí, backed up by members of the Defence Forces and about 120 gun-toting British police, will be on the lookout for anyone looking to plant a suspicious object in the hope of disrupting the visit.

Make sure the remains of your cheese and ham sambo ar securely fastened inside your bag – you don’t need the trauma of being surrounded by a ring of pointing HK machine guns while the Army’s Bomb Disposal Johnny Five-like robot moves in to strip you down to your boxers.

Don’t go into labour on Tuesday!

The Rotunda Maternity Hospital has the misfortune of being located next to the Garden of Remembrance – one of QE2’s scheduled stop-off points. As a result, much of the area around it has been sealed off and parking banned. The hospital’s master has admitted that the facility has been ‘significantly affected’ by the visit and hundreds of scans and appointments are believed to have been cancelled – but it’s about to get worse.

The disruption will reach its peak on Tuesday when Liz is due to attend a wreath laying ceremony at the Garden. The only way into the hospital will be via circuitous, diverted routes. You could try the Mater Hospital. Except that falls within the heightened security zone so there are disruptions there too. If your wife’s contractions start, just tell her to hold it in until after the Queen has headed home.

Don’t park!

Why? Because there’s no parking.

Don’t chase a two Euro coin!

Teams of officers have spent weeks pulling up and checking every drain, shore and manhole in Dublin city centre. They even called in the Garda Diving Unit, which was handed the somewhat embarrassing job of donning deep sea rubber suits, complete with breathing masks and oxygen tanks, and climbing down the city’s manholes.

Anyway, with the help of a can of yellow spray paint and a tube of No More Nails, gardaí are confident that would-be bombers have no way of gaining access to the sealed off shores. But just in case, the country’s pedestrians are fixed firmly in the gun sights – and woe betide anyone who messes with a sealed drain.

So, if you drop a two Euro coin whilst strutting through Dublin and it happens to roll into a shore at the side of the road, let it go. It may be a lot of money these days, but it’s not worth getting gunned down over.