Joe Maxi – your know-it-all taximan and agony Granda

Ah howaya me aul flowers.

JOE Maxi here, your local taxi man, agony Granda and salt o’ the earth Dub – I bleed blue... but that’s more to do with an infection I had when I was just a boy, but there’s no need to get into that right now.

Sure it's only me in me younger days... Now, where was I? Ah yeah... The lovely lads here at JOE have asked me to come on board to dispense my words of worldly wisdom on a weekly basis to answer any questions or queries dat all yis lovely boys and gurls might have to be needin’ answerin’. Each week I’ll be doin’ me very, very, very best and yis can take me word for it because I always give 110% and I know people say you can’t give 110% but I believe that you can and I believe that I do because that’s just who I am. So hop in the back of me taxi and we’ll get started because the meter’s runnin’ and I wana get home to me bed and me tea. Me lovely tea 1. Hi Mr Maxi, I started a new job recently and have been trying to keep my nose clean but I really fancy one of the girls in the office. I mentioned it to one of the other lads and it turns out she’s the boss’s daughter. I reckon she could be interested in me too but I’m worried to start anything in case I jeopardise my position. What should I do? Ah Jaysus. I remember I was in the exact same position as your own good self a number of years back. It must’ve been the summer of ’67 and I’d been workin’ the rank for 38 years at that stage. A new dispatcher had just started, Bina her name was, lovely girl she was and randy divil I was. Strangely enough, her aul fella just happened to be Anto, the rank manager... Ah sure, there I go, ramblin’ again. The best thing for ya to do son, is take her out, treat her right, head back to her house for a bit of “how’s your father” and then, in the morning, you can literally ask her “how’s your father” because he’ll be standing at the end of her bed, handin’ you your P45. Remember son; don’t let your Bina get away because life’s too short. On the other hand, it’s also the longest thing you’ll ever do. Hope that helps. Anto and his rank 2. Hi there Joe Maxi, I met this deadly girl at the weekend but I was drunk when I took her number and now I don’t know what name I put it in my phone under. She was actually great and I don’t want her to think I’m not interested. How the hell do I sort this one out!? Ah Jaysus. I remember I was in the exact same position as your own good self a number of years back. It must’ve been the summer of ’74 and I’d been workin’ the rank for 53 years at that stage. I was courtin’ this girl I knew, Bina her name was, lovely girl she was... Ah, there I go, ramblin’ again sure. Anyway, my advice to you is to retrace your steps exactly from that night out in order to get to the bottom of this particular predicament. So get as drunk as you were that night, wander down to the local where you met her and just ask every girl that’s there for their number. You'll know when you've got the right one because she's the one who slaps you in the face for asking her for her number two weeks in a row. Failing that flawless plan, just phone everyone in your phonebook and ask them ALL out on a date. Remember; try to avoid contacting ex-girlfriends and family members. People frown on that sort of thing. SuBo frowning on that sort of thing 3. Mr Taximan, how much is the fare from Rathmines to the airport? Ah Jaysus. Firstly, it’s Mr Maximan, not Mr Taximan. Secondly, that all depends buddy. I can take you through town but Dorset Street’s gonna be a bleedin’ nightmare at this time and it’ll cost you €48. And you’ll be late. Or I can take you round the M50 but it’s gonna be a bleedin’ nightmare at this time and it’ll cost you €42 with the toll costing an extra €7 so that’d be a total of €49. And you’ll be late. Hope that answers your question buddy. And finally, one final question from a final lovely lady...   A lovely lady... 4. Mr Taxi, I’m wondering should I dump my boyfriend? At first we were madly in love and he would buy me nice things like flowers and chocolates and take me out on dates and spoil me rotten. Now though, he’s more interested in the football and going out boozin’ with his friends and is leaving me home alone in the evenings and wants to see me less. So, do you think that I should dump him now that he’s changed into a sport lovin’, drinkin’ partner for his best friends? Ah Jaysus. Sorry love, I don’t understand the question. Hope that helps. If you have any questions for JOE Maxi and want him to personally tell you how crap all of your relationships are, then just send him an email letter to his computer machine at editorial@joe.ie