The dreaded water charges come into effect from tomorrow onwards and we’re damned if we’re not going to mark our final day of free water with a big splash.
Build a makeshift swimming pool out in the back garden
Sure, we might not have the fine weather now that we had during the past two summers, but we’ve shown ourselves to be very resourceful in the art of building makeshift pools (see exhibits A and B) in recent times and considering that using such vast amounts of water for this exact purpose is going to cost a lot of money from tomorrow onwards, we might as well do it now while we can.
Just make sure to get it right first time around…
No time like the present for novelty ice-cubes
Not all novelty ice-cubes have to be the type of male-genitalia shaped efforts you might occasionally come across at a hen party; there are all sorts of alternatives that will ensure that you are the toast of the party you’re absolutely going to host this weekend as an excuse to show them all off.
I mean, just look at this beauty…
Pic via infmetry.com
Massive super-soaker fight
Water guns have come and gone in the intervening period, but as anyone who grew up in the 90s will know, they don’t come any better than the Super Soaker CPS 2000 that went on release in 1996.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z59qMOcFkFw
Everyone from that generation worth their salt will have one of these hiding somewhere in the attic, so dust it down, get the word out and prepare for a massive water fight with vast supplies of the water gun that, in the words of its own Wikipedia page, “began what many refer to as the ‘third age of water wars’”. Yes, it’s that good.
Have an extra, extra long shower, or even a bath
Let’s face it, unless you live by yourself, parents, significant others or fellow housemates are going to be standing outside the shower with a stopwatch from now on to make sure that nobody exceeds an agreed time limit; by 2017 Irish people will have become so accustomed to short showers that three minutes will feel like a luxury.
With that in mind, tonight is the perfect night to put some Kenny G on the stereo, fill that bath with as much extra-bubbly Radox as possible and take that rubber duck for the swim of its life because for Irish people, Bath will soon be just a place in England rather than a form of extreme relaxation from tomorrow onwards.
See if the toilet really does flush clockwise in the northern hemisphere
Thanks to The Simpsons we know that water flows counter-clockwise in southern hemisphere countries like Argentina and Rand McNally, but while we’re pretty sure that the principles of the Coriolis effect ensure that the opposite happens north of the equator, it’s worth checking all over again just to make sure.
Build a moat around your house
Alarms and top of the range security systems cost an awful lot in this recessionary age, so why not take a leaf out of those that lived in a bygone era and build a moat around your house for extra protection and fill it with the necessary amount of water before it costs a fortune.
After that, all you’ll need is archers primed with a bow and arrow on elevated platforms at opposite wings of your castle and pigeons to inform you of approaching burglars coming from several leagues away and you’ve got yourself a safe homestead.
Wash every single item of clothing you own
Granted, this isn’t a particularly fun thing to do, but if you get it out of the way now you’ll be able to reach for a clean t-shirt in three months’ time that otherwise would have been occupied by the growing presence of cobwebs at the bottom of your wardrobe. Students should take particular note of this option; the extra few quid saved might just pay for every night out between now and Christmas.
Throw a wet t-shirt competition
This activity is probably a more likely one for pub owners or playboys to engage in but if you fancy inviting some girls or guys around for a good old fashioned no-holds barred wet t-shirt competition then now is the best time. We’re afraid as we’re not Fr. Jack, we have to check our bank balance first.
Bobbing for apples
It might be a bit too early to engage in this classic Irish Halloween game but it may be a casualty of the new charges implemented. Then again we’re fairly certain that Mama and Papa JOE used rain water in our house, you see we had to earn our apples the hard way. We always won in these games because they were nothing to us, water off a ducks back you might say.
Impress your mates with these tricks
Haven’t you heard, science is cooler than a penguin chilling on an iceberg and we also have it on good authority that ice is just frozen water. Mind = blown. H2-Whoa!
Deliberately flood the pitch of your local rivals
The plan is genius in its simplicity. All you need is a really long hose and the cover of darkness to make yourself an instant legend in the eyes of your teammates.
Stop your hiccups
You know that one crazed man from 1980s disease-outbreak films that nobody ever believes or listens to until it’s way too late? Yeah, we’re that guy. Except with more hiccups.
In the new age of water restrictions there will be a reluctance to drink copious glasses of water upside down in order to banish horrific hiccups. From tomorrow onwards, this will inevitably lead to people hiccuping everywhere.
Your Mammy? She’ll have the hiccups. Your Granny? She’ll have the hiccups. Your Mammy’s Granny? She’ll definitely have the hiccups and she’s dead for God’s sake. That’s how bad it will be.
Drink up while you still can folks.
Live in an alien-free world
That’s right. Aliens are coming to get us. All of us. And it’s all because of the Water Charge.
Ignoring all other alien invasion films 100% scientifically-accurate dodocumentariesand concentrating only on M. Night Shalamalalalamalan’s 2002 film, Signs, it’s safe to say that from tomorrow on, the entire planet will be over-run with little green men from Mars.
Admit it, do you really think Mel Gibson would have let his daughter just leave gillions of glasses of water lying all over the house if they had a governmental Water Charge to deal with? Of course he wouldn’t have because THEY CAN’T AFFORD TO LEAVE THE TAP RUNNING FOR THAT LONG.
Here at JOE we welcome our new alien overlords.
Clip via Simsinca.
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