The big day is here...
We all know the feeling, we've all been through the experience – the terrifying, butterflies-in-your-stomach, giddy excitement that's associated with one very special occasion – the first date.
You've put on your good jeans, you've cleaned out the ears and you've borrowed your mammy's deodorant – nothing can ruin the evening... apart from this list of horrible, manky turnoffs that JOE has compiled for your reading (dis)pleasure.
If any of these horrible habits or queasy qualities rear their ugly head on a first date then you are outta there... here are JOE's first date deal-breakers.
1. My, they've got quite a sweaty forehead...
Your date says they're "glistening." You know they're sweating. Buckets. Everywhere.
2. Your date is just a little bit over-attentive and too touchy-feely...
As Ron Burgundy might ask on a first date, "is that your foot between my legs?"
They inevitably reply "no" and you realise, in true Anchorman style, that it's just your own hand. Again.
3. They're constantly checking their phone...
Texting. Tweeting. Facebooking. WhatsApping. Snapchatting. Vibering. Kakoing. Telgramming. Tweaking. Twiddling. Twaddling.
Your delightful date is doing everything except actually talking to you and that's just not good enough.
In fact, you should probably text/Tweet/Facebook/WhatsApp/Snapchat/Viber/Kako/Telegram/Tweak/Twiddle/Twaddle all of your friends about it. That'll learn them.
4. The competition...
Your date seems to have noticed that there are many other manly men in the restaurant.
Now your date is awkwardly pointing out how much nicer than you they all are.
Is your date making you feel inadequate and second-best? That's a deal-breaker. Shut it down.
5. Bad Breath
Bad breath, halitosis, stank mouth – no matter what name you give it, this is most certainly the cardinal sin of the first date.
It doesn't matter how funny, smart or attractive the person sitting across the dinner table from you, if they've got themselves a devastating dose of doo-doo mouth then there's no escaping the foul fact that's wafting its way towards you.
While you can't control many things on a first date, one aspect that you definitely can take care of is the smell of your breath, so make sure you use something like CB12 oral breath rinse every morning and evening and definitely don’t forget to freshen up with the all-important CB12 Boost chewing gum before your date. That way you can be sure that you'll have safe breath for the next 12 hours.
Y'know, for all of that shiftin' and snoggin' you'll be doing later of course...
6. They don't actually know your name...
"Great to meet you John."
"It's JOE actually."
"Sure it is John, sure it is."
7. They've got baggage...
You know the type we're talking about, right?
They're the ones who always carry loads of suitcases of clothes with them everywhere they go, even to the fancy restaurant where you're out for dinner. Baggage.
8. Your date accidentally sends a text to you complaining about how rubbish a date you are...
As David O'Doherty expertly pointed out, there aren't many worse things than accidentally sending a text to the person that the text was about. It's even worse if you're on the receiving end.
And it's your date who has sent it.
And they're slagging you off. A certifiable disaster of a date.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAG18UUDPPI
9. They've brought a chaperone!?
That's right, your date has brought along a chaperone. And it's their Mother. This is going to be a long night...
10. Bad table manners...
Their mouth is open. Their food is visible. Your stomach is turned.
"CLOSE YOUR MOUTH WHILE YOU'RE CHEWING" you scream silently to yourself.
11. Too much make-up*
If we wanted to spend all night looking at an orange-faced Oompa-Loompa we would have just watched our old VHS copy of Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. Again.
And by the way, that green hairdo doesn't suit you at all...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APj2ArUy6v4
*This could also apply for too little make-up
12. Being late...
Especially when they're so late that they just don't turn up at all. Then you just look silly. And alone. Forever.
JOE's 12 First Date Turnoffs is brought to you by CB12 and new CB12 Boost.
