Welcome to 5 Minutes Or Less, a script breakdown for the only the biggest blockbusters, giving you hundreds of millions of dollars worth of explosive big screen action in less than 300 seconds worth of reading or your money back. (You didn’t pay for this, so there’s nothing to refund here.)
In this edition, buckle up as we get into top gear to take a gander at Fast & Furious 8. Obviously, SPOILERS!
FADE UP. CUBA.
VIN DIESEL: I sure do love living a quiet life in Cuba.
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ: Hey, I know I never mentioned this once in any of the seven previous movies, but do you want kids?
VIN DIESEL: Nah, let’s just keep randomly blowing up cars in busy Cuba roads, never getting arrested and-
CHARLIZE THERON’S DREADS: *interrupts* Surprise! You’ve got a kid! I’ve kidnapped him and that chick you were boning two movies ago! And I’ll kill them both if you don’t help me be evil!
AUDIENCE: Did you get cast in this because you were so kick-ass behind the wheel in Mad Max?
CHARLIZE THERON’S DREADS: No, I never get into a car chase, and I mostly just talk and sometimes do hacking.
AUDIENCE: Oh… that’s… cool?
CUT TO: BERLIN.
THE ROCK: Hey gang, thanks for helping me steal back this evil weapon thing.
LUDACRIS: No problem.
TYRESE: We’re mostly just here to sexually harass that chick we saved in the last movie and now she’s part of our team, even though she does pretty much the exact same hacking stuff as Ludacris.
VIN DIESEL: *turns on everyone, steals the evil weapon thing*
THE ROCK: *goes to prison*
CUT TO: PRISON.
KURT RUSSELL: Hello. My character is literally just here to make exposition sound cool.
SCOTT EASTWOOD: I’m here too.
JASON STATHAM: Cockney rhyming slang for kicking someone’s head in and breaking out of prison.
THE ROCK: *works out by punching the steel wall in his cell*
JASON STATHAM: *kicks someone’s head in, breaks out of prison*
CUT TO: AIRPLANE.
CHARLIZE THERON’S DREADS: I guess this is the part of the movie where I try to explain my plan?
VIN DIESEL: I really don’t care.
AUDIENCE: No, us neither.
CHARLIZE THERON’S DREADS: Oh, really? Okay, cool. Because it doesn’t make one teeny weeny bit of sense.
CUT TO: NEW YORK.
VIN DIESEL: I’m here to get the nuclear football from the Russian Minister of Defence, who definitely wouldn’t have the nuclear football, or the codes to access it, which are changed every few minu-
CHARLIZE THERON’S DREADS: Stop talking! The audience are asking questions! Time to turn all the cars in New York into zombies!
ALL THE CARS IN NEW YORK: *turn into zombies*
HELEN MIRREN: Oym an Oscah winnah, I iz!
AUDIENCE: Woahwhattheactualf**kisHelenMirrendoinginthis…
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ: Why have you turned on all your friends and family without any kind of warning, Dom? Please don’t tell me it is because of characters we forgot existed, or others we’ve never met before and have absolutely no emotional investment in?
VIN DIESEL: *awkward silence*
CUT TO: RUSSIA.
CHARLIZE THERON’S DREADS: Time to use that evil weapon thing from Berlin to disable this nuclear submarine, and then the nuclear football we stole from New York to hold the world to ransom. See? My evil plan makes total sense.
VIN DIESEL: I still really, super duper don’t care.
AUDIENCE: Same. Just blow stuff up already.
THE ROCK: *blows some stuff up, in just the right order to get Vin Diesel back on the good guy’s side*
VIN DIESEL: Any questions about why I’ve potentially helped kill hundreds of people in New York, helped a terrorist get nuclear weapons, and generally been trying to kill all of you for the last few days?
EVERYONE: Nah, we’re good.
AUDIENCE: Same. Just blow some more stuff already.
EVERYONE: *blows some more stuff up*
CHARLIZE THERON’S DREADS: Damn you all, you’ve ruined my evil nuclear war plans! I guess I’ll just have to kill you all by crashing into you all with this submarine!
AUDIENCE: This is the greatest film ever made.
CUT TO: AIRPLANE.
JASON STATHAM: I’m here to kick arse and rhyme cockney slang, and I’m all out of cockney rhyming slang.
LUKE EVANS: I’m here too.
CHARLIZE THERON: I may or may not be back for the sequel, I’ll need to check with my accountants. *jumps out of the plane*
JASON STATHAM: *has the best scene in the movie, kicking people in the head while chatting with Vin Diesel’s secret baby*
CUT TO: NEW YORK.
VIN DIESEL: Remember in Cuba, when you asked if I wanted kids?
MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ: Oh, I don’t like where this is going…
EVERYONE: Wow gang, we sure do have some crazy adventures, especially since none of us are trained in anti-terrorism or hand to hand combat or armed combat or any of the things it turns out we’re super good at. I wonder where we’ll end up next.
CUT TO: SCREENWRITER’S OFFICE.
SCREENWRITER: Fast and Furious 9…. IN SPACE!
FADE TO BLACK.
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
