These tips should get you through the next month or so.
The World Cup is nearly upon us, and frankly, we’re buzzing.
Nothing brings a country together like watching a great sporting event, so prepare to hear all about the tournament for the forseeable future.
Football isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay.
But it’s at this time that we have to spare a thought for our friends who are going to have to put up with a surreal amount of World Cup chat, and probably a number of trips to the pub where football will be all that’s being discussed.
So we’ve created a handy little guide for the non-football fan, including loads of little tricks and tips that will help them through the next month or so.
Talk about Ireland
It’s fairly easy to blag your way through a match when Ireland are playing, because a lot of the players are household names, and you have people who have absolutely no interest in football, absolutely dying for us to win.
But unfortunately, we didn’t qualify. So the job of the shite-talker has been made somewhat more difficult, but you can still use the same basic lines.
No matter what game is on, you can chime in with the old chestnut: “Ah, it’s a shame we’re not there, isn’t it?”
If you want to take it to the next level, don’t be afraid to name some players. It doesn’t matter which ones. “We haven’t been the same since Keano retired”, is always a safe bet. Which Keano you ask? Doesn’t matter. They both make you seem like you’re somewhat in-the-know.
Pick one team and do some research
This is your only bit of homework over the summer. Pick a team that most people don’t know too much about, and learn a bit about them. Let’s say Senegal. Your average football fan isn’t too well-versed on Senegal, or African football in general, so you could be on to winner here.
We’ll give you a start: Their best player is Sadio Mané and they have a really good defender called Koulibaly. If someone mentions the World Cup, say “I know Mané is going to have a great tournament, but Koulibaly is their most important player if you ask me.”
You’ll impress anyone who hears you.
If you want to go all out, get the jersey too. Then people have to ask, and you’re ready to blow their mind.
Get the sticker book
We won’t judge you. It’s good craic, and a handy way of learning all the player’s names. If you manage to collect them all, you’ll probably the only person in your friend group who knows the Panama second choice goalkeeper’s name.
“He’s great, isn’t he?”
This can be used a lot. The second someone mentions a name that seems familiar to you (e.g Ronaldo, Messi, Salah) just casually mutter “He’s great, isn’t he?” and proceed to take a victory sip from a pint.
This one is a lot about reading the room. You have to be very careful, but it’s a great way of making sure you can remain part of the conversation.
“He’s shite, isn’t he?”
This works too. But again, read the room. If it seems like someone is complaining about a player, confidently exclaim that “He’s shite, isn’t he?” and sip the pint again.
But there is the slight chance that you might end up in argument with someone who happens to like this player, in which case you might have to take an emergency phone call half way through and head home.
Dark horses
This is a very handy one. You can throw this out for so many teams. As long as they’re not Brazil, Spain, Germany or France, you’re free to use it. It applies to 28 teams in a 32-team tournament.
I mean, there’s a few that might make you look ridiculous, but if you say it with enough confidence then you’re alright. “Serbia? The dark horses for me. You heard it here first!”
Slag England
This will always work. If England lose, celebrate.Treat it like Ireland have just won the World Cup, the Six Nations and the Eurovision all in one night.
You might think this is an overreaction, but it’s not.
And don’t be afraid to get a little more brave with it. “Always the same, those English” is a good one, and: “Never as good as the press think they are”. Harsh, but true.
The jerseys
You don’t have to be a football fan to admire the jerseys, and it’s an easy way of joining in on the fun.
Some jerseys are objectively nicer than others, and some boil down to opinion, so for once throughout this month-long charade you won’t be lying.
Get a bit passionate
If you’re struggling to get into a game, the second you see someone else shout at the television, you get up and you shout louder. Swearing helps too. “What the fuck were you thinking?”, it’s not important that you didn’t even see what happened. You look the part.
And use the clichés
There are so many football clichés at your disposal, that require absolutely no knowledge, so feel free to use them whenever you want.
The following are acceptable to say at some point in nearly every football match:
“Ah, come on!”
“We’ve got a game on our hands…”
“This ref is having a shocker.”
“I think they’ve actually scored too early here.”
“I’ve seen them given.”
“You know what? I think he’s hit that too well…”
“If that’s on target, it’s going in. Simple as.”
“You hate to see that.”
“You love to see that.”
“They left it all out there, you have to give them that.”
And a special one for when a game goes to penos:
“It’s a lottery now!”
And that’s all you need! Hopefully you’ll survive the World Cup, and who knows? You might even enjoy it…
