100 of the funniest tweets you might have missed in 2018
"Tonic water tastes like if 7up had depression"
Folks, it's been another stellar year over on Twitter, with users producing some of the funniest tweets the world has ever seen, probably.
Topics covered this year included such bizarre areas as Tide Pods, moths, Gritty, Johny Johny, living in the moment without mobile phones, ambitious crossovers, FBI agents, a grape that had surgery done on it and a frankly ridiculous amount more of equally weird stuff.
So, we've rounded up 100 of the funniest tweets you might've missed this year as it's impossible to see all things at all times, not unless you are God or a CCTV enthusiast.
Millenials. Walking around like they rent the place.
— Spence (@SpenceDen) January 3, 2018
"I don't have long left."
"Well it's nice to meet you anyway, Prime Minister." pic.twitter.com/nwkLI42Mwa
— Rick Burin (@rickburin) January 4, 2018
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
— Bran Stark (@maxpalumbo5) January 3, 2018
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
— Fro Vo (@fro_vo) January 6, 2018
It seems Katie Melua has taken a different route with her 2018 comeback single... pic.twitter.com/ZCiMSEmtlf
— Jack Wardlaw (@jackwardlaw94) January 7, 2018
How much spinach I start cooking vs how much I end up with. pic.twitter.com/DWmWEKQFkm
— It's Spaghetti Innea (@BienSur_JeTaime) January 5, 2018
[buying a dog]
hi yes i want to be absolutely devastated in like 11 years or so
— the pan-midwesterner (@panmidwest) January 16, 2018
Every football phone-in condensed into 2 minutes 20. pic.twitter.com/j3uLvzG6hw
— Michael Spicer (@MrMichaelSpicer) January 17, 2018
Sometimes when I get sad I look at this picture of my auntie when she thought she was bending out of this picture ah hahahahahahahahaha pic.twitter.com/0SWoRLYXjo
— kaytamine (@fleetwood__max) January 20, 2018
C H E R N O B Y L
— Ollie Garch: Redux (@ojedge) January 21, 2018
Quentin Tarantino looks like your nan can smell gas pic.twitter.com/LnK5kB3pHi
— Nooruddean (@BeardedGenius) February 6, 2018
The One Where They Sup From the Carcass of the Roswell Alien pic.twitter.com/sISLcKNPwL
— Michael M (@michaelmphysics) February 7, 2018
This video cassette I found at my grandmas house still makes me laugh so much pic.twitter.com/1c0M9Ag6IV
— ✨ Hamish Steele ✨ (@hamishsteele) February 7, 2018
How does traffic even happen ? Bitch just keep driving
— Sneed (@NoBeeetch) February 5, 2018
WWE is short for Wet, Wet Eggs
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) February 9, 2018
Match of the day
What a lie
They show them all
— Neville Southall (@NevilleSouthall) February 11, 2018
Girl what he do pic.twitter.com/Y5D0D7h3nm
— Denizcan James (@MrFilmkritik) February 10, 2018
Me my entire life: Barely realizes snowboarding exists
Me 2 days into the Olympics: If McMorris thinks he's getting on the podium with anything less than a clean 1620 toe grab, he's a fool
— Riane Konc (@theillustrious) February 11, 2018
Pray Elon Musk doesn't have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
— Bob Golen (@BobGolen) February 10, 2018
"Girls who shouldn't do shots"
*every single name ever*
"Omg you'd know my name be on that list😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻"
— Robbie McDonald (@Robbiemcdon) February 15, 2018
one time i forgot what the band modest mouse was called and i said “humble hamster”
— eric curtin (@dubstep4dads) February 27, 2018
When the moon hits your knees
And you mispronounce trees
— Paul Ford (@ftrain) February 27, 2018
Show yourself Inspector Gadget pic.twitter.com/w1bgtYZFUS
— Summer Ray (@SummerRay) February 28, 2018
I know what I have pic.twitter.com/plA9iBe2DX
— rose 🦇 (@roselyddon) February 28, 2018
Watching Dunkirk the way Christopher Nolan intended pic.twitter.com/vYpROyla6D
— Chris (@chriswashere321) March 3, 2018
Commuter: *accidentally pushes past me* Sorry
My brain: yeah u fuckin will be bitch u wait til I shove u down that escalator next time
Me: it's fine honestly x
— sophie (@sophxthompson) March 21, 2018
me: i've got my sign language exam tomorrow
him: oh fingers crossed!
me: no, there's a bit more to it than that
— john (@mrjohndarby) March 18, 2018
My hands look like this so hers can look like this pic.twitter.com/nLGzaU1v9Z
— sweaty leather pants (@RagingInfection) March 23, 2018
The end of 'Finding Dory' on Sweden's Netflix is, by far, the greatest movie moment in cinema history. pic.twitter.com/SXLWjLhZRB
— Luke Mathews (@Floppy_Ragdoll) March 31, 2018
Just a reminder that if you aren’t the ladies from Sex And The City there’s absolutely no reason to be walking in a row of four along a footpath
— Peter Taggart (@petertaggart) April 1, 2018
[watching planet earth 2] crazy how much that looks like earth 1
— phteven (@PhriendlyCody) April 5, 2018
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I'm not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I'll treat myself.
— Jac Rayner (@GirlFromBlupo) April 6, 2018
RT if you know why gemma's mum is hands-free searching for idris elba pic.twitter.com/JC6dws9Cy2
— becca than before (@beccadeltest) April 10, 2018
Oh My Fuckin God, I am dying.
Surely this guy has one Scottish friend who should have told him? pic.twitter.com/9A9wO8kynF
— iRoy. (There's somebody wrong on the internet.) (@Roy_Isserlis) April 19, 2018
And looking ahead to tonight's programmes, at 7:30 we have 'Beefstenders'.... pic.twitter.com/5TN4UfSS9z
— Darren Dutton (@Darren_Dutton) February 7, 2017
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
— donni saphire (@donni) April 28, 2018
Broke: Female Body Inspectors
— r-sie (@feelssick) May 2, 2018
Thought they were called Andy and Jamie? pic.twitter.com/EOGs9F7x02
— callum (@caltyler_) May 10, 2018
The easiest way for me to remember the difference between stalactites & stalagmites is that stalacTITES hold TIGHT to the ceiling & stalagMITES killed my dad
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) May 28, 2018
how it feels trying to read a broadsheet newspaper x pic.twitter.com/nBSsblr1Wu
— holly x (@hollyshortall) June 6, 2018
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
— octopus/caveman (@OctopusCaveman) June 6, 2018
Lethal Weapon taught me that there's nothing wrong with seeing your dad's dick on his birthday. pic.twitter.com/IshtdoghyA
— Tokyo Sexwhale (@tokyo_sexwhale) June 18, 2018
M.I.A. - Paper Planes
▶ 🔘──────── 3:25
M.I.A. - Paper Planes (feat. a 17th century musket)
▶ 🔘──────── 27:18
— Conor Smith (@conorsmith) June 22, 2018
Harry Potter and the Audacity of this Bitch
— Hu$band (@father) July 1, 2018
Harry Potter and the Audacity of this Bitch
— Hu$band (@father) July 1, 2018
I’d be on my way to work like an idiot if Steve hadn’t told me about today’s St Gullible’s Day holiday.
— Ben (@0point5twins) July 3, 2018
how do i tell my parents that im random :/
— Brandon Wardell (@BRANDONWARDELL) July 6, 2018
i hope scarlett johansson plays all 12 thai boys and their coach in the film adaptation
— lolly (@lollyadefope) July 10, 2018
The dick vein on a Snickers really makes it
— Pitzi Pyle Fan Account (@RedDlicious) July 11, 2018
In the same way a beret and a baguette tells me I’m in France, I don’t need to look at a calendar to know that a man hoovering a car means it is Sunday.
— Aisling Bea (@WeeMissBea) July 15, 2018
we are getting TWO Mamma Mias and exactly ZERO Pappa Pias and that’s how i know feminism is working
— miel (@miel) July 17, 2018
I love being in a restaurant when they change the lighting from “lunch” to “horny”
— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) July 20, 2018
new tinder idea: upload all my photos upside down so girls turn their phone to look at them, obviously realise am ugly and swipe left but of course that's now actually right bing bang boom match
— ethan (@human_dis4ster) July 21, 2018
You deserve whatever happens to you on a pogo stick.
— Tig Notaro (@TigNotaro) July 28, 2018
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
— Jake (@dubiousrhetoric) February 18, 2018
Just realised the opposite of Alec Baldwin is Alec Hairloss
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) August 2, 2018
white guy seeing a coworker for the first time that day: there he is
— 💦𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚘𝚖💦 (@YuckyTom) August 11, 2018
Somebody waited their whole life to write this serial number pic.twitter.com/WxnKJwVbHw
— Wendigo PB Fox (@tmaxxnc) August 14, 2018
Doubt it pic.twitter.com/7G1Xemirdd
— Will (@b_dxvies) August 17, 2018
We make out like Fireman Sam is a hero but he is an absolute hack. Only about 25 people live in Pontypandy and they are setting fire to something EVERY SINGLE DAY.
EDUCATE THEM SAM. GO BEYOND THE HOSE.
— Laura (@fairycakes) August 15, 2018
the hot water takes a little longer to come out cause they have to slice up the jalapenos and put them in the pipes
— phil (@PhilJamesson) August 20, 2018
The entire restaurant when somebody order fajitas pic.twitter.com/H2AmLPrPkU
— tia khalifa mowry (@destino_desafio) August 28, 2018
people crack their fingers to make them menthol
— 𝕭𝖚𝖈𝕶𝖋𝖆𝖘𝖙 𝕾𝖔𝖈𝖎𝖆𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙 (@dgahk) August 30, 2018
wife: [watching the news] some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium
me: [covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) August 30, 2018
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman's heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) September 7, 2018
I've worked in an office for three days and it seems 80% of it is badly hiding signed birthday cards from someone that obviously knows its happening
— Teddy (@TheodorHall) September 12, 2018
This is the worst party I’ve ever been to pic.twitter.com/opjbBgnlcC
— Space Cat (@catstronomical) September 11, 2018
A coffee maker implies the existence of a coffee destroyer.
— Michael 🏳️🌈 (@Home_Halfway) September 20, 2018
My dog Philby has to take allergy meds everyday but he doesn’t need to know that. pic.twitter.com/5oFUVCb5bG
— Christine Nangle (@nanglish) September 21, 2018
— hahahahahh (@PudgesMemeStash) September 26, 2018
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) September 26, 2018
Willy Wonka 2: We Will Wonk You
— debbyryan (@DebbyRyan) October 11, 2018
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
— Ygrene (@Ygrene) March 3, 2018
cop: blow into this please
me: is that a clarinet
cop: we’re one man short for our policeman’s band performance tonight i need to see if you’re any good
— viking (@notviking) September 2, 2018
True or false?
Kerry Katona doesn't actually own a cat ?
— bob mortimer (@RealBobMortimer) October 30, 2018
PER MY LAST EMAIL pic.twitter.com/FyYViDTTr4
— Jemele Hill (@jemelehill) October 31, 2018
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) November 5, 2018
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
— rab livingstone (@rablivingstone) November 5, 2018
What a strange hobby. pic.twitter.com/kNVjRWVf14
— Jason Dawson (@jason_dawson) November 15, 2018
That was a quick pregancy pic.twitter.com/PhsNTDurZF
— James (@Oi_Staf) November 1, 2018
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
— john (@mrjohndarby) October 16, 2018
Frank Zappa real name was Outspoken Remote Control
— Sanjeev Kohli (@govindajeggy) November 24, 2018
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) December 3, 2018
If you cut a minute steak into 60 pieces then everyone can have seconds
— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) December 7, 2018
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
— Anthony McHats (@TheHatStore) September 15, 2018
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
— A Literal Homosexual (@kyry5) December 12, 2018
Bart Simpson having a shite next to me pic.twitter.com/3giuzn0Z75
— 🔺 (@ROUNDTHEBEND__) September 15, 2018
tonic water tastes like if 7up had depression
— 🐒 callum 🐒 (@shmental) November 15, 2018
this is how lil kids cough pic.twitter.com/sXZx4AKNO4
— aliah (@shitaliah) December 3, 2018