“Tonic water tastes like if 7up had depression”
Folks, it’s been another stellar year over on Twitter, with users producing some of the funniest tweets the world has ever seen, probably.
Topics covered this year included such bizarre areas as Tide Pods, moths, Gritty, Johny Johny, living in the moment without mobile phones, ambitious crossovers, FBI agents, a grape that had surgery done on it and a frankly ridiculous amount more of equally weird stuff.
So, we’ve rounded up 100 of the funniest tweets you might’ve missed this year as it’s impossible to see all things at all times, not unless you are God or a CCTV enthusiast.
Enjoy!
1.
Millenials. Walking around like they rent the place.
— Spence (@SpenceDen) January 3, 2018
2.
"I don't have long left."
"Well it's nice to meet you anyway, Prime Minister." pic.twitter.com/nwkLI42Mwa— Rick Burin (@rickburin) January 4, 2018
3.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
— Bran Stark (@maxpalumbo5) January 3, 2018
4.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery— FRO VO (@fro_vo) January 6, 2018
5.
It seems Katie Melua has taken a different route with her 2018 comeback single… pic.twitter.com/ZCiMSEmtlf
— Jack Wardlaw (@jackwardlaw94) January 7, 2018
6.
STORE CLERK: Ma'am, you're not allowed to try out the earplugs before you buy them
ME: What?— Miss Elle Toe ? (@ElleOhHell) January 9, 2018
7.
How much spinach I start cooking vs how much I end up with. pic.twitter.com/DWmWEKQFkm
— Simply TC (@BienSur_JeTaime) January 5, 2018
8.
[buying a dog]
hi yes i want to be absolutely devastated in like 11 years or so
— the pan-midwesterner (@panmidwest) January 16, 2018
9.
Every football phone-in condensed into 2 minutes 20. pic.twitter.com/j3uLvzG6hw
— Michael Spicer (@MrMichaelSpicer) January 17, 2018
10.
Sometimes when I get sad I look at this picture of my auntie when she thought she was bending out of this picture ah hahahahahahahahaha pic.twitter.com/0SWoRLYXjo
— kaytamine (@fleetwood__max) January 20, 2018
11.
— freaked it (@slazhoe) January 21, 2018
12.
[knuckle tatts]
C H E R N O B Y L
— Ollie Garch: Redux (@ojedge) January 21, 2018
13.
Quentin Tarantino looks like your nan can smell gas pic.twitter.com/LnK5kB3pHi
— Nooruddean (@BeardedGenius) February 6, 2018
14.
The One Where They Sup From the Carcass of the Roswell Alien pic.twitter.com/sISLcKNPwL
— Michael M ?? (@michaelmphysics) February 7, 2018
15.
This video cassette I found at my grandmas house still makes me laugh so much pic.twitter.com/1c0M9Ag6IV
— ✨ Hamish Steele ✨ (@hamishsteele) February 7, 2018
16.
How does traffic even happen ? Bitch just keep driving
— Sneed (@NoBeeetch) February 5, 2018
17.
WWE is short for Wet, Wet Eggs
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) February 9, 2018
18.
Match of the day
What a lie
They show them all— Neville Southall (@NevilleSouthall) February 11, 2018
19.
Girl what he do pic.twitter.com/Y5D0D7h3nm
— Denizcan Grimes (@MrFilmkritik) February 10, 2018
20.
Me my entire life: Barely realizes snowboarding exists
Me 2 days into the Olympics: If McMorris thinks he's getting on the podium with anything less than a clean 1620 toe grab, he's a fool
— Riane Konc (@theillustrious) February 11, 2018
21.
Pray Elon Musk doesn't have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.— Bob Golen (@BobGolen) February 10, 2018
22.
"Girls who shouldn't do shots"
*every single name ever*
"Omg you'd know my name be on that list??????????????????????????????????"
— Robbie McDonald (@Robbiemcdon) February 15, 2018
23.
one time i forgot what the band modest mouse was called and i said “humble hamster”
— eric curtin (@dubstep4dads) February 27, 2018
24.
When the moon hits your knees
And you mispronounce trees
Sycamore— Paul Ford (@ftrain) February 27, 2018
25.
Show yourself Inspector Gadget pic.twitter.com/w1bgtYZFUS
— Summer Ray (@SummerRay) February 28, 2018
26.
I know what I have pic.twitter.com/plA9iBe2DX
— rose ? (@roselyddon) February 28, 2018
27.
Here’s a photo of my Nan and her carer braving the icy conditions. Love her so much xox pic.twitter.com/jFtvBdqfMW
— l/d (@LDLDN) March 2, 2018
28.
Watching Dunkirk the way Christopher Nolan intended pic.twitter.com/vYpROyla6D
— Chris (@chriswashere321) March 3, 2018
29.
Commuter: *accidentally pushes past me* Sorry
My brain: yeah u fuckin will be bitch u wait til I shove u down that escalator next time
Me: it's fine honestly x
— sophie (@sophxthompson) March 21, 2018
30.
me: i've got my sign language exam tomorrow
him: oh fingers crossed!
me: no, there's a bit more to it than that
— John Darby (@mrjohndarby) March 18, 2018
31.
My hands look like this so hers can look like this pic.twitter.com/nLGzaU1v9Z
— sweaty leather pants (@RagingInfection) March 23, 2018
32.
He looks it pic.twitter.com/8CR0dufagT
— Greg James (@gregjames) March 31, 2018
33.
The end of 'Finding Dory' on Sweden's Netflix is, by far, the greatest movie moment in cinema history. pic.twitter.com/SXLWjLhZRB
— Luke Mathews (@Floppy_Ragdoll) March 31, 2018
34.
Just a reminder that if you aren’t the ladies from Sex And The City there’s absolutely no reason to be walking in a row of four along a footpath
— Peter Taggart (@petertaggart) April 1, 2018
35.
[watching planet earth 2] crazy how much that looks like earth 1
— cody (@PhriendlyCody) April 5, 2018
36.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I'm not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I'll treat myself.
— Jac Rayner (@GirlFromBlupo) April 6, 2018
37.
RT if you know why gemma's mum is hands-free searching for idris elba pic.twitter.com/JC6dws9Cy2
— baby jesus christ (@Becca_DP) April 10, 2018
38.
Girlfriend: this is my dad, Howard
Me: Hey man… *we lock eyes* Howard you doing
Howard: *maintaining eye contact* Sarah this is the one
— cory (@_coryrichardson) April 13, 2018
39.
this is what the world map sounds like on the piano? pic.twitter.com/eyonAOz3D9
— kara☀︎ (@karaweeks_) April 17, 2018
40.
Oh My Fuckin God, I am dying.
Surely this guy has one Scottish friend who should have told him? pic.twitter.com/9A9wO8kynF— iRoy. Awaiting for the Cabinet to collapse. (@Roy_Isserlis) April 19, 2018
41.
And looking ahead to tonight's programmes, at 7:30 we have 'Beefstenders'…. pic.twitter.com/5TN4UfSS9z
— Darren Dutton (@Darren_Dutton) February 7, 2017
42.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
— donni saphire (@donni) April 28, 2018
43.
Broke: Female Body Inspectors
Woke: pic.twitter.com/IEaw6u3oDU
— dribk (@feelssick) May 2, 2018
44.
Thought they were called Andy and Jamie? pic.twitter.com/EOGs9F7x02
— callum (@caltyler_) May 10, 2018
45.
The easiest way for me to remember the difference between stalactites & stalagmites is that stalacTITES hold TIGHT to the ceiling & stalagMITES killed my dad
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) May 28, 2018
46.
how it feels trying to read a broadsheet newspaper x pic.twitter.com/nBSsblr1Wu
— Holly x (@hollyshortall) June 6, 2018
47.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) June 6, 2018
48.
Lethal Weapon taught me that there's nothing wrong with seeing your dad's dick on his birthday. pic.twitter.com/IshtdoghyA
— Tokyo Sexwhale (@tokyo_sexwhale) June 18, 2018
49.
M.I.A. – Paper Planes
▶ ?──────── 3:25
M.I.A. – Paper Planes (feat. a 17th century musket)
▶ ?──────── 27:18
— Conor Smith (@conorsmith) June 22, 2018
50.
Harry Potter and the Audacity of this Bitch
— ?????? Doll (@father) July 1, 2018
51.
Harry Potter and the Audacity of this Bitch
— ?????? Doll (@father) July 1, 2018
52.
I’d be on my way to work like an idiot if Steve hadn’t told me about today’s St Gullible’s Day holiday.
— Ben (@0point5twins) July 3, 2018
53.
how do i tell my parents that im random :/
— Brandon Wardell (@BRANDONWARDELL) July 6, 2018
54.
i hope scarlett johansson plays all 12 thai boys and their coach in the film adaptation
— lolly (@lollyadefope) July 10, 2018
55.
The dick vein on a Snickers really makes it
— ? Bear (@RedDlicious) July 11, 2018
56.
In the same way a beret and a baguette tells me I’m in France, I don’t need to look at a calendar to know that a man hoovering a car means it is Sunday.
— Aisling Bea (@WeeMissBea) July 15, 2018
57.
we are getting TWO Mamma Mias and exactly ZERO Pappa Pias and that’s how i know feminism is working
— miel (@miel) July 17, 2018
58.
I love being in a restaurant when they change the lighting from “lunch” to “horny”
— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) July 20, 2018
59.
new tinder idea: upload all my photos upside down so girls turn their phone to look at them, obviously realise am ugly and swipe left but of course that's now actually right bing bang boom match
— ethan (@human_dis4ster) July 21, 2018
60.
You deserve whatever happens to you on a pogo stick.
— Tig Notaro (@TigNotaro) July 28, 2018
61.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
— Jake (@dubiousrhetoric) February 18, 2018
62.
Just realised the opposite of Alec Baldwin is Alec Hairloss
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) August 2, 2018
63.
https://twitter.com/YuckyTom/status/1028274204167360512
64.
Somebody waited their whole life to write this serial number pic.twitter.com/WxnKJwVbHw
— Wendigo PB Fox (@tmaxxnc) August 14, 2018
65.
Doubt it pic.twitter.com/7G1Xemirdd
— Will (@bdxvies) August 17, 2018
66.
We make out like Fireman Sam is a hero but he is an absolute hack. Only about 25 people live in Pontypandy and they are setting fire to something EVERY SINGLE DAY.
EDUCATE THEM SAM. GO BEYOND THE HOSE.
— Laura (@fairycakes) August 15, 2018
67.
the hot water takes a little longer to come out cause they have to slice up the jalapenos and put them in the pipes
— Phil (@PhilJamesson) August 20, 2018
68.
The entire restaurant when somebody order fajitas pic.twitter.com/H2AmLPrPkU
— – (@tyreksh) August 28, 2018
69.
people crack their fingers to make them menthol
— ???????? ????????? (@dgahk) August 30, 2018
70.
wife: [watching the news] some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium
me: [covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) August 30, 2018
71.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman's heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) September 7, 2018
72.
I've worked in an office for three days and it seems 80% of it is badly hiding signed birthday cards from someone that obviously knows its happening
— Teddy (@TheodorHall) September 12, 2018
73.
This is the worst party I’ve ever been to pic.twitter.com/opjbBgnlcC
— Space Cat (@catstronomical) September 11, 2018
74.
A coffee maker implies the existence of a coffee destroyer.
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) September 20, 2018
75.
My dog Philby has to take allergy meds everyday but he doesn’t need to know that. pic.twitter.com/5oFUVCb5bG
— Christine Nangle (@nanglish) September 21, 2018
76.
— hahahahahh (@PudgesMemeStash) September 26, 2018
77.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) September 26, 2018
78.
Never forget Liz McDonald getting scared by the sign language man pic.twitter.com/EjkV8ZHCGb
— shane telford. (@MrShaneReaction) October 1, 2018
79.
Willy Wonka 2: We Will Wonk You
— debbyryan (@DebbyRyan) October 11, 2018
80.
If they didn’t want me to wear assless chaps to bottomless brunch they should have called it something else
— ?????? ℭ?????? but actually Aoife (@infinityonhi) October 14, 2018
81.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
— Ygrene (@Ygrene) March 3, 2018
82.
cop: blow into this please
me: is that a clarinet
cop: we’re one man short for our policeman’s band performance tonight i need to see if you’re any good
— viking (@NOTVIKING) September 2, 2018
83.
True or false?
Kerry Katona doesn't actually own a cat ?
— bob mortimer (@RealBobMortimer) October 30, 2018
84.
PER MY LAST EMAIL pic.twitter.com/FyYViDTTr4
— Jemele Hill (@jemelehill) October 31, 2018
85.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) November 5, 2018
86.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
— rab livingstone (@rablivingstone) November 5, 2018
87.
priest: it be like that sometimes
congregation: and sometimes like that it be
— madison!!! (@madisonfrench_) November 5, 2018
88.
https://twitter.com/livlivme_do/status/1061732406577819648
89.
What a strange hobby. pic.twitter.com/kNVjRWVf14
— Jason Dawson (@jason_dawson) November 15, 2018
90.
That was a quick pregancy pic.twitter.com/PhsNTDurZF
— James (@Oi_Staf) November 1, 2018
91.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been— John Darby (@mrjohndarby) October 16, 2018
92.
Frank Zappa real name was Outspoken Remote Control
— Sanjeev Kohli (@govindajeggy) November 24, 2018
93.
I love The Last Shadow Puppets pic.twitter.com/mrPsT0mCuW
— Alex Cooper (@DJ_AlexCooper) November 25, 2018
94.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
— M@thew (@TweetPotato314) December 3, 2018
95.
If you cut a minute steak into 60 pieces then everyone can have seconds
— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) December 7, 2018
96.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
— Anthony McHats (@TheHatStore) September 15, 2018
97.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
— A Literal Homosexual (@kyry5) December 12, 2018
98.
Bart Simpson having a shite next to me pic.twitter.com/3giuzn0Z75
— ❔ (@ROUNDTHEBEND__) September 15, 2018
99.
tonic water tastes like if 7up had depression
— Callum ? (@shmental) November 15, 2018
100.
this is how lil kids cough pic.twitter.com/sXZx4AKNO4
— aliah (@aliahgeyes) December 3, 2018