Science says: If you have a beard, you’re probably having all the sex

Throw away those Mach 3 blades, gentlemen, you won't be needing them after reading this.

Our good friend Science tells us that men with beards are more attractive to women seeking long-term relationships than those of us who shave regularly. In fairness, it stands to reason. Look at this prince. The research comes from the Journal of Evolutionary Biology. It states that a five o'clock shadow is the ideal look for a first date but a full beard is most appealing to women in a long-term relationship as it makes men seem more fertile and 'better adapted to survive,' much like Leonardo DiCaprio in his Oscar-winning turn in Honey, My Friends Fucked Off And Left Me For Dead So I Went Medieval On Their Respective Asses. "Our findings suggest that beardedness may be attractive when judging long-term relationships as a signal of intrasexual formidability and the potential to provide direct benefits to females," stated Science's Dr Barnaby Dixson, a psychologist at the University of Queensland whose surname does, in fact, feature a needless 's' in the middle of it. "Masculine faces are judged as more attractive for short-term relationships over less masculine faces, whereas beards are judged as more attractive than clean-shaven faces for long-term relationships."