This weekend sees the release of Steven Spielberg’s most thinly-veiled attempt to win an Oscar, War Horse. Can the film’s equine lead character hold a candle to cinema’s most heroic animals?
Featuring a WW1 setting and overly-sentimental storyline involving its equine hero, there is bound to be plenty of sobbing in cinemas across Ireland this weekend, however, we reckon Joey from War Horse still has a way to go in order to replace the following heroes in our hearts:
Simba (The Lion King)
Clearly felines are the most un-heroic species known to all creation yet there is one exception – Simba of The Lion King, who *SPOILER ALERT* later becomes the king of the lions in the African plains. The clue is in the title.
Perhaps it’s because his father (RIP Mufasa, you magnificent bastard) was voiced by James Earl-Jones and could rattle off amazing advice on the merits of eating gazelle, yet Simba grew up to be one of the most heroic animals in film, with a Hamlet-mimicking arc that had him wreak vengeance upon throne usurper Scar.
Now if only only Simba’s entire character wasn’t a rip-off of 1960s Japanese anime series called Kimba The White Lion….
Boomer (Independence Day)
Although the entire fate of the world hung in the balance during the running time of Independence Day, ask cinemagoers in the mid-1990s whose survival they were most rooting for in Roland Emmerich’s disaster epic and you’ll get the same answer – Will Smith’s dog.
Forget Bill Pullman’s nonsensical President storyline (The US president is going to pilot a fighter to fight aliens? Riiight…) or Will Smith and Jeff Goldbum’s pro-smoking bromance, the only character worth saving was Boomer, whose heroism basically extended to saving his own skin from a tunnel fireball.
For a quick reminder of the greatest 7 seconds of cinema in the 1990s, relive that ridiculous scene below.
Rocky (Chicken Run)
Back when Mel Gibson wasn’t known worldwide as a drunken anti-Semite, he could command hefty paychecks for children’s movies. For Chicken Run, the Aussie combined with Aardman Animations for a worldwide box office smash hit.
Here Gibson played up his heroic movie persona as Rocky, an all-American Rhode Island Red that saves the day for a band of British chickens with a heroic third act change of heart. No harm, no fowl *cough*.
Caesar (Rise of the Planet of the Apes)
As perhaps the biggest surprise of 2011, Rise of the Planet of the Apes became a worldwide smash despite being a movie that absolutely nobody was looking forward to prior to its release. Much of the credit deserves to go to actor Andy Serkis, whose motion-captured portrayal of ape leader Caesar is currently gaining well-deserved Oscar buzz.
As part of a genetic experiment towards a possible cure for Alzheimer’s, Caesar’s story arc propels the film, as we witness a young, fun-loving ape turn violent and uncontrollable before confinement leads him to his true calling as a hero. A hero for the ape’s side. The side that ultimately enslaves humanity… ah well.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Far too many movies)
This one needs no explanation, although we will say that any quartet of turtles that can solve the ‘Secret of the Ooze’, time-travel to ancient Japan and resist the urge to bludgeon Vanilla Ice to death during a movie tie-in song deserves the title of heroes.
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