Seriously, Bruce, what is going on with you?
It wasn’t that long ago that we were looking at a trailer for a new Bruce Willis movie called Once Upon A Time In Venice and we were pretty sure that it was the worst trailer we’ve ever seen.
Now, there’s a trailer for another Bruce Willis movie called First Kill, and we’re trying to work out if it is even worse.
Despite the fact that Willis is co-starring with Hayden “You Blame Me For Killing Star Wars” Christensen, or a director whose previous work include such classics as Automaton Transfusion (?!), we still have to question Willis’ method of choice here.
Is he just bored? Does he tax problems? Did he lose a bet? Whatever it is, we hope it ends soon, because we’re not sure how much more of this we can deal with.
Before we get into our own trailer breakdown, take a look at it for yourself:
Clip via Movieclips Trailers
Here is our mental timeline of our thoughts as the trailer played out:
00.09 – Approximately fifteen thousand establishing shots of fields and trees to really hammer home the point that we’re not in a city. Got it.
00.13 – Acting looks like it physically pains Hayden Christensen, who from this point on we will refer to as Anakin.
00.19 – Bruce Willis tells Anakin that the town is having a little trouble at the bank. “Exercise caution.” What? No, seriously… What?? Trouble at the bank? Like, are the ATMs broken? Is there a ghost in the vault? Do the tellers tell particularly racist jokes? Bruce’s warning is so vague, it could mean literally anything.
00.28 – Apparently the budget only spread to a rain machine covering half the set here.
00.38 – Okay, finally, some plot! Someone gets shot in the head! Exciting!
00.40 – Oh, he’s totally fine. He got shot in the head, at point blank range, but he’s totally fine.
00.44 – “Oh my god, what happened??!” – asks Anakin’s wife, but in a tone less suited to her husband and son bringing in a body with a head-shot, and more suited to someone walking mucky boots across her just-mopped floors.
00.49 – Anakin’s wife uses a fish-hook (??) to remove a bullet (??!!) from the man’s skull (?!?!?!?!?!?!!). We’re really going to need to understand why this guy isn’t dead already.
00.54 – In what must be hours, if not minutes, after having a bullet removed from his skull and having “lost a tonne of blood”, Head-Wound Guy is up and about and kidnapping Anakin’s son.
00.57 – Anakin: “Let go of my son right now.” Head-Wound Guy: “Can’t do that. I need that money.” We’re going to go back and rewatch the first minute of the trailer again to see if there has been any previous mention of money. (one minute later) Nope. Okay, carry on, I guess…
01.01 – Head-Wound Guy manages to put the kid in the back seat, run around the front of the truck, get in, start the engine and begin driving off before Anakin shows up again. #WorldsNumberOneDad
01.07 – Bruce Willis wants to know what is going on here. We had actually completely forgotten Bruce Willis was in this. We’re betting Bruce Willis could forget he was in it too.
01.15 – Anakin tells Bruce that Head-Wound Guy told him to “Get the money for him.” WHAT. F**KING. MONEY?
01.22 – Anakin: “I can get our son back, but we can’t talk to the cops”. This happens five seconds after Anakin told Bruce Willis and the rest of the cops what is happening.
01.33 – Anakin: “He insisted I not tell the cops, what was I supposed to do?” Bruce Willis: “Tell the cops!” Again, you were both literally JUST talking about this whole thing, like, ten seconds ago.
01.41 – Bruce Willis: “You ready to get your son?” Anakin responds with “Let’s go”, but in a tone less suited to a father caught up in a twisted plot involving his kidnapped son, and more suited to a guy who is being forced to go to his third least favourite restaurant.
01.49 – There are some action shots here, including a fist fight that sees a bad guy try to punch Anakin, but lands the punch in a position that might be correct if Anakin were eight and a half feet tall.
01.55 – STUFF IS HAPPENING! ARE YOU EXCITED? PEOPLE ARE AIMING GUNS AT EACH OTHER AND THEMSELVES AND WHO CAN EVEN TRUST ANYMORE YOU GUYS?!?!
02.08 – “There is no hunting, like the hunting, of a man.” – Not sure who is saying that, but also not sure what it relates to. Anakin is hunting the guy who took his son, so we’re not sure why he’s running like he is the one being hunted. Not that it matters, because Anakin uses this moment to jump over a fallen tree with such force that he might just break the surly bonds of gravity.
02.10 – And it ends with something a little too close to a threat for my liking…
First Kill is due in American cinemas on 21 July (no word on an Irish or UK release just yet), the exact same day as Christopher Nolan’s World War II epic Dunkirk.
Sorry Chris, looks like you’re going to have to deal with your first box office flop…
LISTEN: You Must Be Jokin’ with Aideen McQueen – Faith healers, Coolock craic and Gigging as Gaeilge
