Wonder Woman in 5 Minutes Or Less
Welcome to 5 Minutes Or Less, a script breakdown for only the biggest blockbusters, giving you hundreds of millions of dollars worth of explosive big screen action in less than 300 seconds worth of reading or your money back. (You didn't pay for this, so there's nothing to refund here.)
In this edition, buckle up as we get into top gear to take a gander at Wonder Woman.
Oh, and obviously, SPOILERS!
FADE UP. HOLLYWOOD PRODUCTION OFFICE. DAY.
EXECUTIVE #1: What if we made a comic book movie...
EXECUTIVE #2: Okay, I'm liking this so far...
EXECUTIVE: #1: But the leading character is female...
EXECUTIVE #2: No. No no no...
EXECUTIVE: #1: And we also get a woman to direct it...
EXECUTIVE #2: No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no...
EXECUTIVE #1: And we don't feature any of the other, more-famous super-hero characters we've already established?
EXECUTIVE #2: Seriously, have you lost your damned mind?
CUT TO. PARIS. PRESENT DAY.
DIANA PRINCE: As one of the most beautiful women in the world, who apparently never ages, it is probably best I stay out of the public spotlight as much as possible, so I'm going to take this very high-profile job in the most famous museum on the planet.
BATMAN: (off-screen) Found this pic. Tsup?
DIANA PRINCE: *has world's longest flash-back*
CUT TO. GREECE? MAYBE ITALY? ONE HUNDRED YEARS AGO.
CLAIRE UNDERWOOD: I will train you to be the best fighter that has ever lived.
WONDER WOMAN'S MUM: I will give you some very weird and vague back-story about being made of clay, leaving kids in the audience to ask their parents whether that is where they came from.
CHRIS PINE: Thank you for saving my life, but unfortunately my arrival is poorly timed with-
THE ENTIRE GERMAN ARMY: Die, you beautivul island vimmen!
WONDER WOMAN: This is Ares doing! I must go to where the World War is the most World War-iest and find him and kill him!
CUT TO. LONDON. JUST A FEW HOURS LATER.
WONDER WOMAN: Shouldn't that have taken much longer?
CHRIS PINE: Nah. And for a world-class warrior, you sure did sleep through our little boat being attached to this tug boat and pulled along all night.
CHRIS PINE'S ASSISTANT: I'm here to help you do that trying-on-clothes montage scene from Pretty Woman, but with more sword jokes.
DEFINITELY NOT THE BAD GUY: I'm not the bad guy. I'm here to help and I'm definitely not the bad guy. Here's some money to go to the most World-y War-y place there is.
CUT TO. GERMANY.
RED SKULL SOME OTHER GERMAN BAD GUY: I vill deestroy ze vorld with dis gas bomb!
LADY PHANTOM OF THE OPERA: Do you think that us being given absolutely no motivation other than being German might give the audience the hint that we're actually not the big bad guys of the movie?
RED SKULL SOME OTHER GERMAN BAD GUY: Nein!
CUT TO. FRANCE.
WONDER WOMAN: Why are we not helping these people win the war?
CHRIS PINE: I guess... because... we'll die?
WONDER WOMAN: Ares is making you all kill each other, and I will stop him... by killing only half of you. *kills the German half*
FRENCH HALF: Merde, she's good!
CUT TO. AIRFIELD.
RED SKULL SOME OTHER GERMAN BAD GUY: Vat makes you think you can just kill me? I've got special Hulk cocaine that makes me unkil-
WONDER WOMAN: *kills him*
DEFINITELY NOT THE BAD GUY: Hey, remember earlier, when I said I definitely wasn't the bad guy...?
WONDER WOMAN: Of course! That is exactly what the bad guy would say to throw me off his scent!
CHRIS PINE: Despite the parachute being invented in 1470, and being in common use since the late 18th Century, I actually forgot to bring one on this plane. Love ya! *dies*
WONDER WOMAN: *super-powered by his Love ya!* Now my bracelets have a new thing they can do!
HALF THE AUDIENCE: Wait, I'm still not entirely sure what her superpowers are? Can she fly? Are you bracelets super-powered, or is she? Is she immortal? What exactly can she-
OTHER HALF OF THE AUDIENCE: Are you trying to mansplain our new feminist icon?
HALF THE AUDIENCE: We'll shut up now.
ARES: You've killed me, but what are you going to do next? Can you name one more Wonder Woman villain that she can fight against?
ENTIRE AUDIENCE: Uhmmmm.....
ARES: Exactly. Muhahahahahahaha! *dies*
WONDER WOMAN: So I guess the lesson I've learned is that mankind are kind shitty but not so shitty that they don't deserve a hand every now and again?
CUT TO. HOLLYWOOD PRODUCTION OFFICE. DAY.
EXECUTIVE #2: Wow, you were right, look at all this money. And what are these? These things here? I've never seen them before.
EXECUTIVE #1: I think... I think they're called Positive Critic Reviews.
EXECUTIVE #2: You don't say..... So what'll we do now? Should we temper the fact that it was a female led, female directed superhero movie with the fact that it was well made and well acted, and not just assign gender politics to it-
EXECUTIVE #1: Seriously, have you lost your damned mind? Green light Batgirl, Supergirl, Catwoman, and every single female superhero and supervillain we have right this second! Strike while the feminist iron is hot!