007 Days Of Bond: The Spy Who Loved Tea & 7 other James Bond Movies... if they were Irish
By Colm Reid and Eoin Ronayne
Welcome to 007 Days of Bond, a very special JOE celebration of all that is great about Ian Fleming's iconic super spy.
Each day this week, in the build-up to the release of Spectre in Irish cinemas on Monday 26 October, we'll bring you a series of super suave articles covering everything from the Top 10 James Bond films according to IMDB, to the very best weapons available in the classic James Bond N64 game, GoldenEye.
This is classified information and you're on a need-to-know basis.
Seeing as Irishman Andrew Scott stars in the brand new Bond film, we got to thinking, "what else could we do to put a bit more green, white and orange into James Bond?"
Ladies and JOEntlemen, we give you: 8 James Bond Movies... if they were Irish.
The Spy Who Loved Tea
Bond finds himself thrown back into the fray after investigating the hijacking of Russian submarines with a view to holding the world’s supply of tea bags ransom.
Featuring Bláthnaid Ní Chofaigh as the lethal temptress pitting Lyons and Barry’s against each other.
Thurles is Not Enough
Bond uncovers a plot by SPECTRE to use the GAA as a front to recruit new henchmen from the Tipperary area. With the help of undercover agent Marty Morrissey and seductress Bláthnaid Ní Chofaigh, he brings the organisation to its knees.
Lots of Hurling-based gadgets, of course.
Yiz Only Have Lice
Bond must pose as a school nurse in Dublin's inner city to get to the bottom of a ploy to infect the scalps of Irish youth. Bond eventually prevails through the use of a fine-toothed comb.
Bláthnaid Ní Chofaigh stars alongside 007 as the sexy HSE worker called in to confound the problem.
You Only Like Rice
James has found himself eating more and more Chinese takeaways. Is it a simple lust for 3-in-1s… or something more sinister?
After plunging into the underbelly of dangerous Hong Kong, he uncovers a plot by Oriental courtesan Ming Chow Ní Chofaigh to bring Ireland to it’s knees by getting its people hooked on Chicken Balls and fried rice.
Quantum of Bollix
Bond has his hands full this time. He delves undercover, posing as a shite-talking barfly to get on the inside of a TV-thieving syndicate run by a corrupt politician played by Liam Neeson.
Spoiler Alert: It’s actually Bláthnaid Ní Chofaigh.
Something isn’t right at the beautiful Gaeltacht resort of Coláiste Royale. School’s out, and Bond must don make-up and pose as Bláthnaid Ní Chofaigh in order to infiltrate the Irish-speaking Bean an Tí crime family.
007 has a tough time attempting to quell the high levels of disrespect shown by the youth of today as too many kids are running around dishing out the 'Bold finger'. On the bus, in school, hanging outside the shops, no one is safe from getting the middle finger from these bold kids.
Bláthnaid Ní Chofaigh set to star alongside Bond, possibly as a love interest, possibly as an angry mammy.
From Russia with Lovely Girls
In this epic adventure, watch Bond point-blank refuse to shop local for romance. Instead he heads east on a one-way Ryanair flight to St. Petersburg (two hours outside St. Petersburg, mind you) looking for love.
Except there's one problem, Ryanair cabin crew villain played by Bláthnaid Ní Chofaigh is watching his every move...